


we're all very lovely til we get to know each other

by fir8008



Series: give the bruises out like gifts [10]
Category: JBJ (Band), Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: 4 Things, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Dance, Complicated Relationships, Developing Relationship, Eventual Relationships, Falling In Love, Implied Sexual Content, Multi, One-Sided Attraction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-04-04 01:40:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14009409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fir8008/pseuds/fir8008
Summary: Four times Donghan fell in love too quickly, and one time love was worth the wait





	1. first

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, hello! This is the first chapter of the second of my Four WIPs of the Apocalypse. I kept this one relatively secretive because I sat on the fence about writing it for quite a while. I had planned for Donghan to be a bigger character in "i know your soul; i'll be your home" but as it turned out, he fell by the wayside, so I wrote this as a kind of chronological look at that story through Donghan's eyes.
> 
> This first chapter aligns most closely with Chapter 4 of "i know your soul; i'll be your home." As this is a companion piece, it might be good to read that too, but I don't think it's entirely necessary. 
> 
> With that said, I hope you enjoy!! (you can also follow me on twitter @jy_kim8008) 
> 
>  
> 
> Title comes from "Homewrecker" by Marina and the Diamonds

Donghan falls in love with Kim Taedong at first sight. 

He can still remember the way time stopped, how he dropped a moving box directly on Jihoon’s foot, how even Jihoon punching him square in the back couldn’t knock him out of his trance. It didn’t take Donghan long to fall in love with everything about Taedong. They were roommates and they shared classes and they fell into stride so naturally that Donghan could feel how it was just meant to be.

There was one problem. A problem named Yoon Jaechan. 

Taedong texts Jaechan all the time and Donghan can’t help but conjure up the image of some beautiful supermodel there was no way he could compete with and had felt himself growing disheartened thinking the guy he’d fallen so hard for would never look at him. But then he met Jaechan, and he wasn’t at all what Donghan had conjured him up to be. Jaechan was still pretty and cute, but he was also a high school student, and acted like Taedong’s younger brother, so Donghan had regained his confidence. 

But when he and Taedong kiss for the first time at a party, their kiss tastes like really cheap beer and Taedong grabs him by the shoulders and pushes him away with an apology. “I’m sorry,” Taedong says, not looking at Donghan. “I’m really drunk. I really can’t think straight right now. We shouldn’t do this right now.” 

Even if ‘right now’ hadn’t been the time, there wasn’t another time to do anything. Donghan didn’t want to bring it up, because they had both been drunk so maybe Taedong thought that he was keeping both of them from doing something that they’d regret. But Donghan hadn’t been interested in a one night stand, he was really in love with Taedong.

So the strange uneasiness he feels towards Jaechan begins to resurface, especially when Taedong rushes out of dance practices every day to go to Jaechan’s hagwon. Donghan had been pricked with jealousy but he tried to cover it up by doubling his outward affection for Jaechan. Jihoon peers at him over the rung of the top bunk. 

“You’re an idiot,” Jihoon says dismissively. “Overcompensating like that. If this kid’s as bright as you think, he’ll pick up that you really hate him.” 

“I don’t hate him!” 

“But if you could get him out of your way, you would, right?” 

Jihoon’s words make Donghan’s mouth run dry. He had never considered anything that sounded so sinister. It was true that Jaechan was in his way, but he didn’t look like he was aware of it. It wasn’t Jaechan’s fault unless Jaechan was seducing Taedong actively. But Donghan feels uneasy thinking like that. 

 

“I need a huge favor.” 

Donghan isn’t sure what to make of the concerned look on Taedong’s face. 

“Can you go and meet Jaechan at his hagwon and walk him home? He doesn’t live far. I’m doing a project right now and the group leader’s lost her damn mind. She thinks I ran off to take a shit; I need to hurry back.” Taedong looks at him imploringly. “Can you do that for me? I’ll owe you.” 

“Sure,” Donghan agrees and Taedong gives him a fierce hug. 

“You’re a lifesaver. I’ve gotta run. Thanks so much, Donghanie.” 

So Donghan meets Jaechan and walks him home, talks his ear off about nothing in particular, and maybe he’s too honest admitting that he was jealous of the bond between Taedong and Jaechan, but maybe Jaechan is too honest replying that he was jealous of Donghan too. 

“Can I ask you something about Jaechan?” 

Taedong is bent over their sink, toweling off his hair. “Fire away.” 

“Why do you run all the way over to his hagwon to walk him home every day? It can’t be more than a fifteen minute walk back to his dorm.” 

Taedong stands up slowly. “I just do.” 

“But isn’t there a reason? It’s not like he’s a kid…” 

Taedong looks at him carefully. “I’ll tell you, but don’t tell him that I said anything.” Donghan blinks. “Someone’s stalking him.” Taedong goes back to toweling his hair. “He’s precious to me. I wouldn’t be able to live if he got hurt because I wasn’t watching out for him.” 

Hot shame pours over Donghan and it forces him to bow his head, his face burning up with the guilt. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles. “I’m complaining about it and I didn’t know…” 

“You didn’t know, so you don’t have to feel bad about it,” Taedong sighs. “Jaechannie blames himself. He’s embarrassed by it because he thinks it’s his fault.” 

Donghan just swallows thickly, unsure of what to say. Sweet Jaechan, who always smiles so brightly, and Donghan becomes acutely aware of Jihoon’s words. If Jaechan is as smart as Donghan thinks he is, wouldn’t he pick up by now that Donghan hates him? But Donghan doesn’t hate him. Did Jaechan think that? Was that why he responded that way when Donghan admitted he was jealous? Donghan tosses and turns all night agonizing over it. 

“You’re acting like a sinner,” Jihoon says to him, distaste evident. “He said it was nothing to worry about so why freak out over it? You’re not the one stalking the kid, so stop driving yourself nuts. Study for finals, you idiot.” 

In the end, Donghan decides it only makes him love Taedong more to see how fiercely protective he was, even if it wasn’t for his benefit. 

 

The summer however is what Donghan would rather forget, listening to Jihoon ranting about a friend of his that Donghan once met at a party who has been uncontrollably brooding because he flunked half his courses. “Hyeob’s done with the bullshit, he’s ignoring all the messages we send him. So now I’m the one who’s supposed to get him out of the slump. Some friend Hyeob is,” Jihoon grumbles. “You know anyone up for a blind date?” Donghan asks Jaechan who eventually agrees and Donghan kisses him on the cheek for agreeing; Jihoon thanks Donghan too. 

Donghan has no way of knowing it would go as badly as it does and he doesn’t expect it when Taedong gets up in a frantic rush, grabbing his keys and running out the door when Jaechan calls him. He doesn’t come home so Donghan frets about it while Jihoon texts his friend.

“He’s not being straight with me,” Jihoon groans. “He keeps saying it was going good and then Jaechan lost his marbles and ran off.” 

Donghan finds out the next day when Taedong walks through their door and walks Donghan flat against the wall, face to face. “You can tell me why your friend thought it was a good idea to put his hands on Jaechan when Jaechan didn’t want him to.” 

Donghan goes into a panic, saying he didn’t know anything, but Taedong is glaring at him like he’s a detestable insect. 

“What’s his name.” 

Donghan tells him because he doesn’t know what else to do to make Taedong stop looking at him like that, it’s breaking his heart to think Taedong hates him, and he goes to Jaechan like a sinner and begs on his knees for forgiveness. Jaechan’s embarrassed by the display and tells Donghan that there’s nothing to apologize for, but Donghan swears to himself to be at Jaechan’s beck and call and do anything to make up for setting Jaechan up with someone who groped him. Donghan is embarrassingly more worried about what Taedong thinks of him, but Jaechan assures him that Taedong isn’t angry at him. 

And if Donghan finds Taedong washing his bloodied knuckles in their bathroom sink the next night, he pretends he didn’t see. 

 

Their relationship doesn’t become strained somehow. Donghan sees Jaechan all the time and treats him every time they eat together. He sees Taedong too, at home, when Taedong is exhausted from classes but barely sleeping. Donghan loves that part of Taedong too, how hardworking Taedong is, even if it means he doesn’t get to hang out with him much. 

“Will you carry on with this sappy one sided love?” Jihoon asks one day from his bunk. “You’ve been crushing for a year now. You should confess.” 

Donghan tries to gather his nerves so he can confess, planning out what to say, and even why he waited so long to say anything. When he comes home the day he planned to confess, he finds Taedong sitting in the dark with his head buried in his knees. 

“Are you okay?” Donghan asks, and then gasps when Taedong lifts his head to reveal tear streaked cheeks. 

“I confessed to the person I love today,” Taedong says quietly and Donghan’s heart shatters in his chest. “I knew he didn’t feel the same way, but I still hoped. There’s someone else that he loves.” 

Donghan rests his hand on Taedong’s shoulder as a comforting gesture, knowing that Taedong doesn’t realize Donghan knows exactly how he feels. 

“You know, I smoked in high school. It was stupid and I didn’t even think about how it would affect my ability to dance. And I got caught by one of the teachers at my academy and he tore me a new one for being such a dumbass and he ordered me to quit and said if he caught so much of a whiff of smoke on me ever again he’d kick me out. So I quit cold turkey. I didn’t know quitting felt like that, I thought I’d die. I really thought I was dying.” Taedong laughs, the sound hollow and broken. “I feel like I’m quitting smoking all over again. I feel like I’m dying. I needed something but I just have to stop short like this. All this time and it was never me, when I hoped like an idiot it would be me.” 

Donghan rests his head on Taedong’s shoulder. He wishes he could tell Taedong that he loves him, that he wants to take away all of this pain. 

“I’m sorry to unload all this on you,” Taedong wipes his face with the back of his hand. 

“No, no, it’s okay,” Donghan says. “We’re friends. You can rely on me like this.” Donghan swallows dryly, and dares. “Jaechannie always relies on you, but you don’t seem to rely on anyone. It’s okay if you rely on me a little.” 

Taedong just nods stiffly and rests his head on Donghan’s. 

 

Donghan doesn’t know what possesses him to ask Jaechan, but he regrets it immediately because Donghan offhandedly mentions his plan to confess and Jaechan starts crying. Not even a noisy burst into tears kind, just a silently hurt kind of falling tears that’s more painful to see. Donghan can see it in Jaechan’s face that he’s shouldering the burden of being the person who doesn’t love Taedong back. Donghan wants to hate Jaechan for it, for ruining it for him, when all Donghan has done is love Taedong since they met, but he can’t hate Jaechan. Jaechan who is sweet and fragile and honestly, Taedong was never Donghan’s anyway, Taedong was always Jaechan’s whether or not Jaechan knew it. 

It just sucks that Donghan can’t find anyone to hate or to blame so it all internalizes, thinking that if he was just better that Taedong would have seen him instead.


	2. second

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spring, and a different approach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter more closely aligns with the Shape of You team subplot in "come on skinny love" but that probably does not need to be read to understand this chapter.
> 
> This is the last of the short chapters, the next one is significantly longer! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Spring semester starts and Jihoon says to him sternly, “We are finding you a new man.”

Unfortunately for Jihoon, but somewhat luckily for Donghan, they end up being too busy to go out man hunting. And Donghan doesn’t really mind because he and Taedong aren’t awkward. Donghan has loved before, and had his heart broken too. If he just looks at Taedong as another ill-fated love that fizzled out too quickly, it’s manageable. It’s not like they’re on bad terms. If anything, they’ve only gotten closer. Donghan told himself that Taedong was off limits and, without burdening himself thinking about his doomed love for him, Donghan had started to feel better. Donghan was happy with being best friends, especially because it made things like the grueling hours they were putting in on Taehyun’s thesis performance easier. Donghan doesn’t even want to think how the atmosphere between them would be during those long nights if they were awkward.

Like the night when Taehyun pulls the door to the dance studio closed and locks it. 

“That’s… a fire hazard,” Junwoo ventures, adjusting the waist on his too tiny shorts.

“It’s not,” Taehyun replies. 

“Are you keeping us overnight?” Taedong asks with a little frown. Donghan wonders how Jaechan has been getting along on his own with their dance practices running later and later every night.

Taehyun nods. “Yup.” 

“Isn’t that illegal?” Donghan asks and the look Taehyun gives him shuts him right up. 

Donghan kind of feels like Taehyun’s about to kill them all the way he gets them to line up in front of him. “Are we about to die?” he whispers to Sungwoo and Sungwoo nods grimly. 

Instead of being put in front of a firing squad, Taehyun makes them dance over and over without resting and it doesn’t take very long for Donghan to wish Taehyun would have just killed them all outright. Rather, Taehyun was torturing them slowly so they’d all go mad and then collapse from exhaustion. By the time Donghan can no longer figure out if he wants to throw up from fatigue or from hearing Ed Sheeran’s voice on repeat, the door to the dance studio is thrown open. 

“It was open all this time?” Justin screams. 

In the doorway is a woman that Donghan can only assume is a building administrator who is here to reprimand Taehyun and inform him that locking the room is very illegal. But instead she strides over to Taehyun, heels clacking loudly on the hardwood, and smacks Taehyun so hard on the back of his head he goes flying. 

This woman is an angel. 

Donghan has never questioned his sexuality. He didn’t even have a crisis about it. He always knew he loved other boys and wanted to kiss them and hold their hands (and when he hit puberty, do some other things with them, and he did). He’s never questioned it. But this angel woman, she’s making Donghan question everything because she is tall and gorgeous and strong enough to throw Taehyun across the room, and she could probably throw Donghan around too, not to mention she is rescuing them from certain death and she has food and Donghan falls in love in half a heartbeat. 

“Hyeran?” Taehyun asks, as he stumbles over to them. 

The angel woman raises her fist and Taehyun recoils. “So this is why I haven’t seen your face,” she snaps. “I had a feeling you’d do this.” 

“Same to you,” Taehyun huffs. “I didn’t see you the whole week before this.”

“I’ve been busy,” she says dismissively. “Don’t overwork your kids and bring my dishes back when you’ve calmed down.” 

“I’m perfectly calm!” Taehyun yells. 

“Sure, Tae ah,” the angel woman pats his face. She looks over at the rest of them and Donghan is suddenly very conscious that he has a fist sized portion of kimchi crammed in his mouth. “Bye, kids, work hard.” 

They bow to her as she turns and clacks out of the room. 

“Stop staring at her ass,” Junwoo elbows Donghan. 

Donghan does not want to be reprimanded by Junwoo, whose legs he had been previously ogling at. (Is that Donghan’s fault? Junwoo wears the tiniest shorts he’s ever seen and has the longest palest legs he’s ever laid eyes on. It’s unfair to Donghan that Junwoo looks like that all the time, how could Donghan not rake his eyes and up and down Junwoo’s legs every day?) 

“Hyung, hyung, who was that noona?” Donghan asks Taehyun. 

“My friend,” he replies. 

“What’s her name?” 

“Noh Hyeran.” 

“She’s gorgeous,” Donghan says wistfully. “Hyung, you have to marry that noona.” 

Donghan’s amazed that Taehyun doesn’t give himself whiplash given the speed at which he twists his head to stare at him incredulously. 

“Marry her yourself,” Taedong snickers. “Look at that hyung’s face.”

“No one’s getting married!” Taehyun yells. “Let’s go back to practicing!” 

 

Over the next couple weeks, Donghan concludes that he is not having a sexuality crisis and instead just really needs to get a dick in him. Donghan doesn’t do a lot of hooking up because most of the guys who catch his eye are in the same courses as him, and that could get weird, but the parties at the end of the semester always gave everyone a great excuse to get drunk and hook up and Donghan doesn’t see anything wrong with having a little fun when he’s devastatingly good looking and (also devastatingly) single. 

“Will you let me set you up with someone?” Jihoon asks. 

“I do not want to be set up with Park Woojin.” Donghan replies immediately. Taedong snickers. 

Jihoon sits straight up in his bunk and almost hits his head on the ceiling. “Okay. First of all, how could I set you up with Park Woojin when Park Woojin is not even available? Second of all, I don’t even know him like that…” 

“But you know he’s not available,” Taedong chimes in. 

“You know what, Kim Taedong, I’m not talking to you.” Jihoon huffs. “Fine, Kim Donghan, spur my assistance. I don’t need to help you.”

Donghan doesn’t need Jihoon’s help because there are plenty of end of the semester parties going on all over campus and Donghan goes to every single one. He meets Junwoo at one, both of them pleasantly tipsy, so Donghan throws an arm around Junwoo’s shoulder and informs him, “We should hook up.” 

Junwoo laughs. “Should we?” 

“Yes,” Donghan nods as he takes a sip of his beer. “Every day in dance rehearsal I’d stare at your legs and want them around my waist.” 

Junwoo laughs again as he steps closer to Donghan. “Really?” 

They end up making out feverishly before finding somewhere private to fall on top of each other. Donghan comes stumbling home the next morning and Jihoon stops brushing his teeth just to call Donghan a skank. 

 

Donghan continues to meet people when he goes to parties, not that he sleeps with all of them, not that it makes a difference to Jihoon, who continues to call him names, but they go to the last big party of the semester together to get wasted. Taedong declines the invitation and Jihoon calls him a big party pooper. 

When they drag themselves home, Jihoon attempts to climb back into his bunk, but slips on the rungs, and half falls on top of Donghan, so Donghan pushes Jihoon down onto his lower bunk. Donghan bangs his head on the underside of Jihoon’s bed as a result of his goodwill. 

“Son of a bitch,” Donghan groans.

“Donghanie?” Taedong whispers. 

“Sorry,” Donghan stumbles around. “Did we wake you up?” 

“No, it’s fine,” Taedong yawns. “You can come over here if Jihoon’s in your bed.” 

Donghan flops down in the warm space Taedong makes for him on his bed. “Thanks, Taedongie.” 

“No problem. Was it fun?” 

Donghan nuzzles into Taedong’s shoulder. “Mm. You should have come with us.” 

“Maybe next time. Oh, I got into that summer academy I was looking into,” Taedong mentions. 

“Really? Congratulations, Taedongie,” Donghan yawns. “We should go out to celebrate.” 

Taedong laughs and pets Donghan’s hair. “I think you’ve done plenty of celebrating for a while, Donghanie.” 

And in his drunk state, Donghan’s heart flutters.


	3. third

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer, or Donghan's attracted to someone new

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, this chapter should really have two different subtitles, what's a word count and the author refuses to stop beating the dead horse that is "i know your soul; i'll be your home" because in case you didn't notice the word count kind of exploded (hahaha this chapter is 6k words in comparison to the 1000-whatever from the last two!!!! i really went off the deep end) 
> 
> This chapter also basically encompasses all of "i know your soul; i'll be your home" from Donghan's perspective. This chapter was also finished before "the way you laid you eyes on me (in ways that no one ever could)" and references those events slightly. I would venture as usual that neither of those need to be read in order to understand this chapter, but thus is writing a series I suppose. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy!!

With Taedong rising early every day to go to his academy and Jihoon ardently refusing to wake before the crack of noon, Donghan goes to take a tour of their university’s neighboring graduate center by himself. He’s not terribly impressed at first because his tour guide isn’t a dance student and looks highly reluctant to help him at all. His name is Longguo and he mumbles when he talks and Donghan begins to wonder if he should cut this tour short and save him from the awkwardness when someone approaches them. 

“Longguo yah, who’s this?” 

Donghan feels all the air get punched out of his lungs as he looks at the most beautiful man he’s ever seen. 

“Uh, this is a prospective student,” Longguo answers. “I’m giving him a tour.” 

He laughs. “Were you passing through the office at the wrong time?” Longguo nods and the beautiful man smiles up at Donghan broadly. “My name is Takada Kenta. It’s nice to meet you.” 

“I’m Kim Donghan,” Donghan can’t stop staring at Kenta, and how beautiful he is, so he’s overjoyed when Kenta offers to come along on the tour Longguo is half heartedly giving and fill in any blanks Longguo leaves. Donghan thinks he would easily go to this school just to be able to see Kenta more. 

“Can I get your phone number?” Donghan blurts when his tour regrettably comes to an end. “In case I have more questions,” he adds hastily. 

Kenta agrees and Donghan practically skips home. He waves his phone in Jihoon’s face and brags about meeting such a small and cute hyung, even though Jihoon heartily doesn’t care. But Donghan is still giddy thinking about him. He can’t help but gush about him to Taedong who nods and gives him a thumbs up and tells him good luck, and to Jaechan who nods along to Donghan’s words before asking Donghan if he wants to come along to a game of paintball since Taedong, who was more interested in that kind of stuff, was too busy at his academy. Donghan agrees, and it’s the best decision he’s ever made, because somehow Kenta is there and Donghan gasps and can’t contain himself and runs up to hug him. 

“And how do you know each other?” 

Donghan doesn’t know Lee Insoo that well, they’ve had class together and Insoo is usually quietly dozing off in the back of the room, but the tone of his voice is sharp and angry. Donghan picks up on it quickly, ah, the sourness of jealousy. So Donghan explains how he knows Kenta and Insoo only grows more aggravated asking why Kenta hadn’t given him a tour too. Donghan feels bad for Insoo, pining after Kenta so unsuccessfully. 

Insoo decides to pick both teams and he grouchily declares that Donghan, Kenta, Eunki, and Jaechan should form a team. Donghan is surprised that his teammates find this to be a grim prospect, but Donghan thinks it must be because they’ve played together before and Insoo has unfairly stacked his team with the better players. 

It seems to be the case because the game has barely begun when Insoo shoots Donghan full of paintballs. Donghan rubs at his chest, wincing at the stinging pain. Kenta follows soon after and sighs. “Did you get hit a lot?” he asks. 

Donghan puffs out his chest. “It’s nothing,” he says. 

Kenta sighs. “I’m sorry about Insoo. He gets like this sometimes.” 

“Oh? Hyung, do you know Insoo really well?” 

“Yes, he’s…” 

The game buzzer cuts them off and they gather on the course again to find where Insoo has laid waste to Sangbin’s lower body. Insoo is glaring at Donghan and continues to glare at him though Donghan doesn’t really mind if Insoo is jealous. Donghan’s more interested in talking to Kenta, deciding to engage in some skinship to communicate his seriousness to Kenta, especially if Insoo was also attempting to flirt with him. 

When they go to get ice cream, Insoo makes his move, moving in close to Kenta and saying, “Hyung, I want to try your ice cream.” Insoo looks into Donghan’s eyes as he crams all of Kenta’s popsicle into his mouth and drags his tongue up it. Donghan can’t help but blush as Insoo licks his lips and turns his eyes back to Kenta. “Hyung, I like the taste of your ice cream the most.” 

Donghan’s mind is spinning as he tries to figure out why Insoo’s looking at him like that while doing something like that to an innocent popsicle. Donghan settles on the idea that Insoo has decided to flirt, perhaps sensing that Kenta is into Donghan and perhaps Insoo is hoping that they’d be open to a threesome or something. Donghan decides to ask Sangbin but Sangbin sighs and informs him that Insoo is actually pissed at him. 

Sangbin gives him a withering stare. “God and Buddha. You are so tall and you’re so pretty but you are so fucking stupid.”

Donghan feels a bit hurt by that, especially when he finds Kenta and Insoo arm in arm. “Hyung, are you going home?” he asks, trying to sound chipper. 

“Yes,” Kenta replies with a tired smile. 

“Are you going the same way?” Donghan asks Insoo. 

Insoo scowls at him. “Of course we are.” Donghan blinks at him quizzically and Insoo’s scowl deepens. “We live together.” 

“You do?” 

“Are you fucking stupid?” Insoo barks. “We’re dating.” 

Kenta nudges Insoo. “Don’t call him stupid.” 

But Donghan certainly feels stupid when it hits him very suddenly. He’s been flirting with Kenta all day in front of his boyfriend. That’s why Insoo’s been staring him down all day. Donghan goes home feeling awkward. For some reason, pushing his feelings for Kenta away is harder than it was for Taedong but Donghan can’t figure out why. Taedong is home when Donghan gets home and smiles at him. “How was your day?” 

“Kim Sangbin called me fucking stupid,” Donghan blurts. “So did Lee Insoo.” 

“That’s really rude of them,” Taedong says. 

“But consider, Donghan is actually fucking stupid,” Jihoon pipes up from his bunk. 

“Shut up, Park Jihoon,” Taedong sighs. “They still shouldn’t just say it.” 

“Do you know Lee Insoo?” Donghan asks. 

“Nope,” Jihoon chirps. 

“Insoo? Yeah, we went to high school together. Dance academy too for a while, until he quit. Why?” 

“Is he dating someone?”

“Ask Jaechan, he’ll know for sure, but I think so. He had a long distance boyfriend during our last year of high school. I’m not sure. We weren’t in the same homeroom so I never saw much of him. And I don’t see a lot of him now.” Taedong replies. “Why?” 

“Do you like him?” Jihoon asks, pulling his chin over the side of the side rails of his bunk.

“No.” Donghan says. “He’s dating the tour guide hyung I met.” 

“Ouch,” Jihoon says.

“And I was flirting with Kenta hyung in front of him.” 

“No wonder you got called stupid.” Jihoon snorts. 

Taedong sighs at him. “Can’t you be nicer right now? Donghanie’s probably really gutted. You saw how cheery he was about that guy.” 

“I am gutted,” Donghan whimpers. “And I feel stupid.” 

Taedong pulls Donghan into a hug. “You don’t need to feel that way. You didn’t know.” 

Donghan knows that Taedong is trying to make him feel better but it doesn’t change the fact that his feelings are stubbornly refusing to change. 

“So play stupid,” Jihoon says the next day. “They already think you’re an idiot, so just keep on playing dumb. You’re a touchy feely type anyway, so you’re not flirting. You’re just being yourself.”

 

Jihoon’s advice buoys him through a movie where Kenta and Insoo are still snipping at each other and another round of paintball where they’re suddenly very attached. Donghan feels an odd hollowness in his stomach when he sees the way Kenta and Insoo hold hands and how easily Kenta nuzzles into Insoo’s side. They even play on the same team when they divide into two teams, and Insoo’s sparring partner of the day ends up being Hwanwoong and they get into a physical fight that Eunki and Taedong fail to stop so they all get kicked out. Since Insoo is still more interested in fighting with Hwanwoong and then Sangbin, Donghan loops his arm through Kenta’s, and Kenta smiles at him kindly until Hwanwoong kicks Insoo in the stomach and Kenta gasps and shoves Donghan’s arm away. “Why are you hitting my baby?” he yelps as he goes to rescue Insoo. Insoo whimpers and reaches for Kenta, curling up in his arms immediately and Donghan feels a jealous pang seeing it. 

Donghan asks Kenta if he knows of any interesting cafes in the area and Kenta nods and lists a few. Donghan can’t take his eyes away from how tightly Insoo is clutching Kenta’s hand, how his knuckles are white from the pressure. Donghan plasters on a cheery face and asks if Kenta wants to go to one together. Insoo glares at him and tightens his grip on Kenta’s hand but Kenta still agrees that it sounds fun. It’s a big surprise to Donghan, and Donghan’s even more surprised when Kenta shows up the next day and isn’t accompanied by Insoo. 

“He’s throwing a temper tantrum,” Kenta says easily. “But he plays with his friends by himself all the time. Don’t worry about him.”

Donghan reminds himself that they’re not on a date, but it feels like one as he sits with Kenta in a cafe, chatting about anything and everything. Donghan pretends to not notice if Kenta brings a lot of Donghan’s talking points back to Insoo. Maybe Kenta is also reminding himself that they’re not on a date.

“You know,” Taedong tells him that night, after Donghan comes home giddily, “Insoo’s kind of a dick.” 

“Oh?” Donghan asks. “Is he?” 

“I’ve known him since high school,” Taedong replies. “He’s always been a bit of a loose cannon.” He sighs. “We were in the same dance academy, and he’d choreograph, but then skip practices and when I’d ask him at school if he was quitting, he’d get mad, but keep skipping until our hyung yelled at him, and he’d come back, yell at us for not learning properly, and then skip again.” Taedong jams his toothbrush into his mouth. “I asked Jaechannie how long Insoo and Kenta have dated, and Jaechan said he wasn’t sure, but at least two years, probably more.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Donghan asks quietly. 

Taedong sighs. “I don’t want you to get hurt and Insoo, as you already know, is not the nicest guy.” Taedong spits out into the sink. “He’s going to lash out at you eventually.” 

“I’m not doing anything wrong,” Donghan says softly. 

Taedong glances at him as he rinses off his toothbrush and puts it back in their cupholder, clean bristles angled away from Jihoon’s toothbrush. “I told you how I felt, Insoo’s kind of a dick.” 

 

Donghan is drunk.

“If you get too drunk to walk, you’re paying for the taxi,” Taedong’s voice seems very far away and Donghan just smiles at him and laughs. Taedong should know by now that Donghan has pretty good motor skills even while very drunk so Donghan just nods along when Taedong reiterates his point. 

Donghan decides to lean on an equally drunk Kenta who smiles at him brightly. Donghan leans in closer because he just really wants to kiss Kenta so much, and his lips brush against Kenta’s cheek when he turns slightly away. Kenta hits his shoulder and laughs and Donghan smiles at him with a giddy sort of grin. 

Kenta ends up getting much more drunk and is crouched outside of the bar throwing up while Insoo holds onto the back of his shirt to keep Kenta from falling over. Taedong is supporting Donghan even though Donghan is pretty sure he can support his own weight. When Kenta wobbles to his feet, Insoo just sighs and crouches down so Kenta can clamber onto his back. Kenta waves. “Bye, Donghanie, bye, Taedongie,” he slurs. Insoo doesn’t say anything as he adjusts Kenta on his back and walks away. 

Taedong and Donghan walk home, and Donghan slams his head against the side of his bunk when he tries to find it in the dark. 

“Shit,” Taedong’s hand is on the back of Donghan’s neck. “Are you alright? Are you bleeding?” 

Jihoon’s cellphone flashlight suddenly shines down on them and Donghan wails loudly at the assault on his drunken eyeballs. Taedong’s fingers carefully brush Donghan’s bangs off his forehead. “You’re not bleeding,” Taedong confirms as he more carefully helps Donghan find his bed as the light disappears. 

“Jihoonie,” Donghan kicks the underside of Jihoon’s bunk. “Jihoonie, I kissed my cute Kenta hyung.” 

“No shit?” Jihoon asks. 

“His skin is really soft,” Donghan touches his lips. 

“He kissed him on the cheek,” Taedong clarifies. 

“Good for you,” Jihoon says. 

“I really like that hyung,” Donghan adds with a yawn. “Why is he dating someone else?” 

“I don’t know, Donghanie,” Taedong answers him softly. 

“Taedongie, you’ve been acting different lately, you and Jaechannie. You thought I didn’t notice but I did. Did you fight? Why are you both acting so differently? Answer me, Taedongie.”

But Donghan is only met with silence. 

 

Taedong wakes up Donghan at an extremely rude time of the morning and heaves him out of bed, promising him food. And there is food, but there’s also one of Jaechan’s loud neighbors who has a big mouth and doesn’t speak in an inside voice. 

Donghan is so grateful when their food arrives that he immediately digs in with gusto, thinking he’ll just ignore whatever Hyunwoo is talking about in favor of stuffing his face, but he can’t help but perk up when Hyunwoo mentions Jaechan has a boyfriend. 

“Boyfriend?” Donghan asks with his mouth full. 

Jaechan turns red as Hyunwoo begins to delve into detail and Donghan studies Jaechan’s reddening face as he asks who Jaechan’s dating. Hyunwoo is about to answer when Jaechan stops him and then suddenly Hyunwoo’s lips are sealed. Donghan tries to ask more questions, but Jaechan has avoidance down to an art form and manages to wheedle out of answering anything. Taedong’s oddly quiet beside him, but only because he’s holding things in as Donghan later realizes. 

“I didn’t know Jaechan was seeing anyone,” Taedong says as he kicks a pebble out of his path with more force than strictly necessary. 

“You didn’t?” Donghan balks. Jaechan and Taedong tell each other everything. 

“I don’t know how I feel,” Taedong says. “I know that Jaechan isn’t obligated to tell me everything, and maybe it was stupid of me to assume he would always tell me everything but…” Taedong sighs heavily before saying definitively. “I’m hurt. I feel really hurt.” 

“So you don’t know who he’s dating?” 

Taedong frowns. “I have an idea, and if I’m right, I know why Jaechan wouldn’t tell me. I don’t like the guy and Jaechan knows it.” 

“Is he a bad person?” 

Taedong thinks for a moment. “Yes,” he says carefully. “I don’t trust him.” 

 

Kenta smiles at him when he comes into the cafe. “Hi! Grab a seat, do you want something to drink? I go on my break in a minute.” 

“Just water’s okay,” Donghan says as he slips into a seat by the window. 

Kenta joins him after a few minutes and places a glass of water in front of him. “It’s been so busy,” Kenta says with a laugh. “It’s summer, I guess.” 

“Thanks for talking to me on your break,” Donghan says as he pulls his water closer to him. “You must be really tired.” 

Kenta waves it away. “Well I wanted to talk to you and I knew I’d be this busy.” Kenta smiles at him. “I wanted to talk about the bar.” 

“Oh?” Donghan gulps down some of his water.

“The kiss,” Kenta clarifies. “Insoo was really unhappy when he saw the kiss. I know you were drunk, and I was drunk, and I know it didn’t mean anything,” Kenta adds hastily. “But it hurt me to see Insoo so upset, so I wanted to ask you,” Kenta licks his lips. “I think it would be better if you… if…” Kenta sighs. “Insoo is a very possessive friend,” he says. “Do you understand what I’m saying? The skinship, it’s a lot for him to deal with.” 

Donghan opens his mouth but Kenta cuts him off. “I know what you’re thinking. It’s bad that he’s possessive. Or maybe you must think I did something bad for him to not trust me. Insoo is complicated.” Kenta smiles fondly. “But he’s mine. I chose him and I chose to love everything about him, even the parts of him that are difficult. So I hope you help me to set his mind more at ease.” 

“Of course, hyung,” Donghan mumbles. “I’m sorry for causing trouble.” 

Kenta smiles at him as the boy behind the counter calls out to him. “Kenta hyung, the register is jammed again.” 

Kenta laughs as he rises from his seat. “Even when I’m on my break, I’m busy. I’ll see you around, Donghanie.” 

“Bye, hyung,” Donghan says softly. 

 

Finding out Jaechan has a boyfriend only makes Donghan want to dote on him more, so he grabs Jaechan and kisses his cute, red face as he rubs sunscreen on his back despite Jaechan’s loud protesting. Jaechan is someone’s precious pearl and Donghan wants to keep him nice and safe.

Donghan is floating in the pool when Eunki comes drifting by him. “I’m sure you’re wondering where Kenta hyung is,” Eunki says. “He has work.” 

“Ah,” Donghan says.

“You know, this is the first time we’ve spent so much time together. I think we’re pretty similar.” Eunki chuckles. “I noticed you’re really tactile. I am too.” 

“Right,” Donghan agrees. 

“But you know, when it comes to my friends who are dating, I try to be a bit more conscious of it and watch my own behavior.”

Donghan purses his lips. “Why are you telling me this?” 

Eunki glances over at him. “Donghan, you know exactly why I’m telling you this.” 

Donghan takes in a lungful of air and pulls his head underwater. He does know. 

 

Donghan starts to feel like he’s doing something wrong when he asks if Kenta wants to meet him for coffee and Kenta writes back he can only see Donghan in the morning because he’s working all afternoon. Taedong is long gone so he pokes Jihoon awake to fret about unintentionally competing with Insoo for Kenta, and losing.

“What?” Jihoon barks. “Is the guy a supermodel?” 

“No but…” 

“Then what’s the problem?” Jihoon’s head disappears again. “Waking me up at 8am to complain about something so fucking stupid.”

“You know, Taedong gets up at 6am…” 

“Well, that’s his decision, not mine!” Jihoon sits up in his bunk. “Let me tell you what you just said to me. The guy of your dreams is dating a possessive, paranoid, violent sociopath but is still agreeing to go out on dates with you. If he’s not looking for an out, then he’s just leading you on and being a tease. If there isn’t one redeemable quality in this Insoo guy, then I don’t know what to make of this.” Jihoon sighs. “If you’re just being friendly, you’re not doing anything wrong.”

 

“You know you’re doing something wrong, don’t you?” 

Donghan looks at Geonhee blankly. Geonhee looks back.

“You know that the level of attention you’re giving Kenta sshi is inappropriate. You know he’s dating. You know his boyfriend is paranoid. But you keep appealing yourself to Kenta sshi, and he’s too nice to tell you he doesn’t want your attention. Or maybe he’s a bad person and he likes the attention. But as a person who doesn’t know any of you that well, I can say for sure that your behavior is causing a ripple effect in your group of friends. Your behavior is making everyone uncomfortable. Hwanwoongie says it all the time, he and Eunki have stopped Insoo from confronting you directly. They’re under a lot of stress trying to keep Insoo from lashing out at you, but you’re still trying to meet Kenta sshi. So you don’t really care how anyone else feels, you just want Kenta sshi to notice you.” 

“Why are you saying this to me?” 

Geonhee blinks. “Because I’m right, aren’t I?” 

Donghan is beginning to feel really humiliated. He doesn’t know who Geonhee is to talk to him like this. Geonhee is just Hwanwoong’s roommate. He addresses Kenta with honorifics, they aren’t close. He and Donghan aren’t close either. So why is Geonhee saying any of this to him? 

“No one’s telling you the truth, right? No one’s saying that you should stop. Everyone, even Kenta sshi, they’re all saying it delicately to you.” Geonhee says. 

“Why is this your business?” 

“It’s not. I’m just telling you the truth. I think everyone deserves to hear the truth, even if it’s not what you want to hear.” Geonhee shrugs. “So I figured you deserved to hear the truth too.” 

 

Donghan has really had it up to here with everyone weighing in on his friendship with Kenta, but Jaechan asking him about it is really the last straw. Donghan could cry watching Jaechan hedge his words and then in not so many words accuse him of being a homewrecking whore. So Donghan can’t help but be bitter and mean and bring up Taedong and Taedong’s preoccupation with him. Jaechan can insist it isn’t the same, but as far as Donghan can tell, Taedong is still in love with Jaechan. So Donghan also brings up Jaechan’s boyfriend, and how they still don’t know who Jaechan is seeing. 

“Are you not meeting someone nice?” 

“It’s nothing like that,” Jaechan says hastily. “Of course he’s nice. He’s very good to me.” 

“Then why…” Donghan sighs. If that’s true, why hasn’t Jaechan said anything? It doesn’t make sense to him. “Nevermind.” 

Donghan thinks by now he shouldn’t, but he can’t help it. He still wants to see Kenta so he asks Kenta to see a movie with him and Kenta still agrees. Donghan can’t help himself when he thinks how nice and normal this feels, like it’s a real date. So when they’re walking home Donghan takes Kenta’s hand in his but Kenta pulls his hand away. 

“Does hyung know that I really like him?” Donghan asks. 

“Yes,” Kenta replies. “I know.” 

“Why does hyung keep saying yes to me when I ask to meet?” 

“Because I want to see you too.” 

“So why…” 

“I don’t know why,” Kenta interrupts him. “I can’t say it clearly myself.”

It’s dark and it feels much too cold for a night in midsummer. Donghan isn’t sure of what to make of the pain in his chest either, nor the look on Kenta’s face. 

 

Donghan finds Jihoon sitting in the hallway outside their dorm room. “What are you doing out here?” 

Jihoon scowls. “Taedong has company.” 

“So?”

Jihoon scowls harder. “There is not even a sock on the doorknob! So I just walked in there and he’s just there and there’s another guy in his bed! How fucking inconsiderate…” 

“Taedong’s having sex in our room?” 

“It looked like they were done, but what the fuck, I ran out to the mart because I wanted some chips and that’s what I come back to!”

Donghan presses his ear to the door, but the room sounds silent. He puts his hand on the doorknob and turns it. He steps into the room. The light is on, and Taedong is laying on his side in his bed. Someone’s curled up in his arms. 

“Taedongie?” Donghan calls into the room. “Can I come in?” 

Taedong looks up at him and that’s when Donghan can make out the face of the person laying next to him. 

Donghan gasps. “Jaechannie!” He rushes over to the bed where Taedong pulls them both into sitting position. Jaechan’s eyes are red and puffy from crying. “Are you okay? What happened?” 

Taedong shrugs helplessly. “He hasn’t said a word to me.” He strokes Jaechan’s hair. “I wish you would tell me what’s wrong.”

Jihoon trails in behind Donghan. Jaechan wipes his face quickly and bows his head. His shirt hangs too loosely on him and Donghan can see down the back of it and the bumps of Jaechan’s spine. “I’m sorry for causing you such an inconvenience.” 

Jihoon stammers. “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.” He climbs into his bunk and lays down. Donghan’s phone buzzes. 

Park.JH. [who is that???? wtf is going on????]

Kim.DH. [later]

Taedong brushes his thumb against Jaechan’s cheek. “Please talk to me,” his voice is strained. “I just want to help you.”

Jaechan just shrugs his shoulders. It’s a helpless little gesture and Taedong just gathers Jaechan in his arms and squeezes him tightly.

Jaechan sleeps over in their room, still curled up in Taedong’s arms, and Donghan texts Jihoon. 

Kim.DH. [that’s jaechan] 

Park.JH. [is that the guy we set up on the date...?] 

Kim.DH. [yes] 

Park.JH. [man, i hadn’t thought about that in so long and i feel like crap again, shit he looks like a kicked puppy] 

Park.JH. [what’s wrong with him?] 

Kim.DH. [i don’t know] 

Jaechan remains tight lipped the next day and Taedong continues to agonize over him. Donghan convinces Taedong to leave the dorm so they can get food to bring back and so Taedong reluctantly untangles himself from Jaechan. 

Park.JH. [what the hell!]

Park.JH. [don’t leave me alone with this kid!] 

Park.JH. [he gives me the creeps!] 

Park.JH. [what if he dies!???] 

Park.JH. [use those stupid long legs and hurry back, dickface!] 

“Did Jaechannie say anything?” Donghan asks and Taedong shakes his head. “Do you have any suspicions?” 

“Just one,” Taedong says quietly. “I don’t want it to be true, but the longer he doesn’t talk the more I think I’m right.” 

Donghan nods slowly. Taedong sounds grim.

“I just want to keep him safe,” Taedong says abruptly when they’re walking back to the dorm, laden with bags of snacks. “And I feel like I just can’t anymore. When we were kids I looked out for him and he came to me when he had problems. When we got older I dealt with bullies, and in high school he still followed me around everywhere. But suddenly he started telling me he wasn’t a kid anymore and I guess I didn’t know what to do. It just hurts me to see him hurt. I worry because he blames himself for everything, so I know he’s beating himself up right now.” 

“He’ll open up,” Donghan says gently.

Jaechan does seem to be more interested in talking when Taedong offers him sweets and Jaechan cracks the smallest of smiles. “Are you starting to feel any better?” Taedong asks. 

Jaechan looks away. “I think so,” he says softly. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

Jaechan’s eyes flicker to Jihoon’s bunk and to Donghan’s eyes before looking back at Taedong and jerkily shaking his head. Taedong sighs but nods and reaches to stroke Jaechan’s hair. 

Eunki texts Jaechan that he’s returned from his brief visit to China and asks if Jaechan wants to come hang out. Jaechan declines, saying he doesn’t feel well. When Eunki texts Donghan, Donghan adds that he’s nursing Jaechan. 

“I’m going to go back out for a little while,” Taedong says. “I’ll be back.”

Donghan spends the time with Jaechan watching variety show clips and eating through their supply of snacks until Jaechan’s phone buzzes. He pales at what he reads, so Donghan looks at the screen. 

Hong.EK. [is taedong ok???? he and sangbin got into a fight]

Lee.IS. [you call that a fight? taedong jumped on sangbin hyung and started beating the shit out of him] 

Jaechan sits up. Donghan sits up next to him. “Did something happen with Sangbin hyung?” As if on cue, the door swings open and Taedong walks in. 

“What did you do?” Jaechan asks shakily. 

“What are you talking about?” 

Jaechan rises from the bed. “You know what I’m talking about. What did you do?”

Taedong sets his jaw. “Nothing that he didn’t deserve.” 

Jaechan sounds out of breath. “Apologize to him.” 

“No.” 

Jaechan pushes past Taedong and begins to shove his feet back into his sneakers. Taedong grabs his arm but Jaechan tries to thrash away. “Get off of me!” 

“Why are you angry at me?” Taedong asks, grabbing hold of both of Jaechan’s arms. “What did I do wrong?” 

“Why did you hurt him?” Jaechan retorts. He looks like he’s about to start crying again. 

“Because he hurt you,” Taedong answers. 

Jaechan starts to cry. “I didn’t want you to do that for me.” 

“I’m sorry,” Taedong sounds miserable as he pulls Jaechan into a hug. “I’m sorry.” 

“Please go apologize to Sangbin hyung,” Jaechan whimpers. 

“Tomorrow,” Taedong promises tiredly. “Tomorrow.” 

Later, Donghan will whisper in the bathroom, “What happened?” 

Taedong splays his fingers out against the flat white surface of their sink. “I punched Sangbin.” 

“Why?” 

“He was the one who made Jaechan cry like that.” He shakes his head. “I wasn’t going to say anything. Honestly, Eunki and Hwanwoong stopped me before I really did anything. If they hadn’t stopped me,” Taedong looks into the mirror to meet Donghan’s gaze. “I think I would have killed him.” 

 

Donghan is surprised when Kenta texts him first asking to meet. He goes to see Kenta, who still smiles at him just the same when Donghan sits across from him. It’s the middle of the afternoon, but Kenta looks so tired.

“What do you think of my relationship with Insoo?” Kenta asks suddenly. “You can be honest with me.” 

Donghan swallows his saliva. “I find it confusing,” he says truthfully. 

Kenta smiles at him kindly and prompts. “You must think he mistreats me.” 

Donghan gives a small nod. For some reason, Kenta is still smiling. “You’re wrong,” he says. “I’m the one who mistreats him.” 

Donghan blinks, even more confused. 

“I mistreat him behaving like this,” Kenta explains. “Meeting you alone when he thinks there’s something going on between us. He questions himself and finds that I do these bad things because he isn’t good enough. But no matter how much I mistreat him, his instinct isn’t to make me suffer or to meet someone behind my back. No matter what he comes to me first and tells me he’ll become a better man so I will look at him again. Do you understand? I make him feel like I don’t want him until he will do anything to keep me. Do you understand me? Sangbin scolded me recently, he told me I don’t know how much I make Insoo suffer. I don’t, because Insoo never does to me what I do to him. Then I realize how much he loves me, and how I don’t think anyone will ever love me as much as he does. Insoo, who always wants to hurt and destroy the people who hurt him first, he doesn’t do that to me. He loves me and I love him but I’m the one who doesn’t act like it. I told you, I chose him. But I’m the one who acts like I regret it when I don’t.” Kenta smiles at him. “Don’t you think I’m a bad person?” 

“No, hyung,” Donghan says stiffly. 

“You’re being too nice to me. I am a bad person. I am mistreating you too. Agreeing to see you when you call me, making you hope for something that I knew wouldn’t happen.” Kenta lets out a small sigh. “Insoo almost broke up with me. We’ve broken up before and when we did, he chased me and begged me for months to reconsider and to take him back. I realized just how far I pushed him to make him reach the point he wanted to throw me away.” He shakes his head. “But we are going to stay together.” 

“Hyung, what does that have to do with me?” Donghan asks tightly. 

Kenta levels him with a steely gaze. “Because if Insoo had thrown me away, I would never have gone to you. Even though I entertained this, I would have resented you crazily for it.”

“Then what…” 

“That night, I told you I couldn’t explain my reasons clearly. I thought about it. I like the attention you give me. I like you too. You’re kind and you’re funny and I like to spend time with you. So I went to you. But I can’t anymore.” Kenta smiles at him gently. “This is strange. I think I am breaking up with you. I can’t meet you one on one like this anymore.” 

Donghan doesn’t know what to make of all of his organs collapsing at once. But Kenta just smiles at him as he stands up. “I’m sorry,” he says. “But you’ll meet someone much better than me, who will love you honestly.”

Donghan does not cry in public.

 

Donghan manages to hold everything in for a few more days until there’s a loud knocking on their door and Donghan opens it to Kim Sangbin standing in their hall. 

“Can I come in?” he asks. “I want to talk to Taedong.” 

“Sure,” Donghan squeaks.

Taedong stands up and Donghan sees Jihoon quickly pull his blanket over his head. Sangbin crosses his arms over his chest and glares at Taedong. “I’m here to tell you something, but only because Jaechan told me to come. This is just a formality. I’m not asking for your approval.”

Taedong clenches his fists. 

“Jaechan and I are dating,” Sangbin says and Donghan’s eyes widen. Taedong is glaring at Sangbin, who just snorts and his posture becomes much more relaxed. Donghan thinks it’s unfair for Sangbin to be shorter than them but be exerting so much pressure over the room and making Donghan feel tiny. “I told you, I’m not here looking for your permission. Jaechan wanted me to tell you, that’s all.” Taedong is silent so Sangbin shrugs. “I’ll be on my way, then.” 

When the door slams behind him, Jihoon peeks out from under his blanket. “That guy is dating that cute kid who was in here crying a week ago?” he asks. “What does he see in that guy?” 

Later when Jihoon leaves the dorm to run out and buy snacks, Taedong’s collected façade begins to crumble. “I feel really stupid,” he says, his voice sounding choked. “I can’t believe after all that Jaechan still went back to that scumbag.” 

“Went back?” 

“That was who he was dating without saying anything and the one who made him cry like that.” Taedong shakes his head. “I don’t understand him. All that, and he still goes back to Sangbin. And I feel stupid because all this time I was still in love with him and he never even saw me. I was loving him like a fucking idiot alone and he only had his eyes on a guy like that.” 

“You don’t think I feel stupid too?” 

“What?” 

Donghan’s eyes start watering. “You don’t think I know how you feel? Chasing Kenta like that when he was seeing someone? He told me he couldn’t see me anymore and that nothing was ever going to happen between us, so I just did all that like an idiot! Everyone thinks I’m some kind of scheming homewrecker now and don’t you think I feel stupid for doing that?” 

Taedong nods as he pulls Donghan into a hug. “We’re both stupid.” 

“Yeah, we are.” 

Jihoon comes back and asks them with great alarm why they’re both crying.


	4. fourth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fall, or getting over and getting under

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look, new material wow 
> 
> (or, the author expresses affection by dragging characters through the mud)
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Jaechan storms out of the awkward breakfast gathering he, Hyunwoo, Taedong, and Donghan are having, and Donghan supposes this is for the best. Jaechan apparently had quite enough of Hyunwoo teasing him, the final straw being Hyunwoo cupping his face and cooing, “Isn’t that right, my little kitten?” so Jaechan had pushed Hyunwoo’s hands away from his burning face, stood up, and stormed out. Hyunwoo chases after him, yelping about not realizing Jaechan was actually going to walk away. The two of them leaving allows Taedong to finally breathe out an agonized sounding sigh. Donghan pats his hand sympathetically, knowing that Taedong was definitely suffering as much as Jaechan was from Hyunwoo’s loaded statements and endless innuendo about Jaechan’s dating life and the size of Sangbin’s (massive) dick. Things had been tense between Taedong and Jaechan since Sangbin’s announcement, and Donghan had been very sympathetic towards Taedong. 

Hyunwoo returns, steering a sulking Jaechan back to his seat by the shoulders. “Hyunwoo hyung is sorry,” Hyunwoo simpers and Jaechan glares at him. 

“You said you weren’t going to tease me about that,” Jaechan grumbles. 

Hyunwoo sighs. “But it’s so easy to tease you when you get so flustered.” 

Jaechan’s cheeks are turning red again. “That doesn’t mean you should do it!” 

“It’s so hard not to when I see your boyfriend in the morning and he looks like he wants to kill me but when he’s with you he’s calling you pet names and treating you like a little prince.” 

“Maybe this is why he’s always glaring at you,” Jaechan sniffs. 

“Does he stare you down too?” Hyunwoo asks and Donghan isn’t sure of what to say, because honestly, he hasn’t seen much of Sangbin lately, not that he did before either. 

“He does,” Taedong replies; his tone is a bit cold and Hyunwoo sucks his teeth. 

“It must be hard,” he says. “That big brother instinct must really be kicking in.” 

Taedong nods and Jaechan slides his chair back out. “What did I say?” Hyunwoo asks but Jaechan ignores him and leaves again.

Hyunwoo sighs. “This kid. It’s like watching my child grow older and rebel against me. Is it like that for you?” 

“Something like that.” Taedong is lying, Donghan knows, because Taedong is still in love with Jaechan. Donghan wishes Taedong would stop being in love with Jaechan, because it’s a painful and fruitless love, but the heart wants what it wants, and Donghan really isn’t faring much better not being in love with Kenta. And Kenta had broken up with him even though they weren’t dating, they weren’t sleeping around together, but Kenta still told Donghan they couldn’t meet anymore and it left Donghan feeling gutted and stupid. 

Donghan doesn’t necessarily feel guilty, but he feels something enough that he gives serious consideration to dropping a class when upon walking in on the first day, he sees that Insoo is also in the class. But Donghan resists the urge to tuck tail and flee because he didn’t do anything wrong, and he wasn’t going to run away from Insoo of all people. 

Donghan does sort of miss seeing Kenta, but he misses Taedong not moping all the time more. He misses Jaechan too, since Jaechan quickly picked up on Taedong’s less than enthused reaction to his dating news, so Jaechan was spending less time with both of them. Donghan isn’t sure why Jaechan is avoiding him, when Donghan doesn’t think he did anything, but he guesses that Jaechan sees them as an inseparable pair.

He says as much too, when Donghan asks Jaechan how he and Sangbin are doing, and Jaechan regards him very warily. “Why are you asking?” 

Donghan blinks. “Can’t I ask how you’re doing?” he mumbles. 

“Anything I tell you, you’re going to tell Taedong hyung,” Jaechan says matter of factly. “And I don’t want him to know anything.” 

Donghan swallows nervously. “Are you and Taedong really fighting?” 

“Not fighting,” Jaechan sighs. “He’s just being really ridiculous and I don’t want to deal with it. I can tell he isn’t happy about this, but he’s just overreacting.” He rubs at his face. “I just hoped after everything I went through, he would be happy that I met someone who makes me really happy. I know he doesn’t like Sangbin but he doesn’t have to be so hostile.” 

“Well. Taedong’s just…” 

“And,” Jaechan cuts him off. “I don’t know why you don’t like Sangbin hyung either. You don’t know him that well.” 

Donghan blinks. “He… he thinks I’m stupid. Sangbin hyung doesn’t like me.” 

“I guess.” Jaechan shrugs. “He does think you’re stupid.” 

“Wait, he does?” Donghan yelps. 

Jaechan shrugs again. “Just in a… identifying way? I asked him something and he just referred to you as Taedong’s stupid friend.” 

“I’m not stupid!” 

“Hyung, you thought Insoo hyung was flirting with you when he was mad at you.” Jaechan bites his lip. “Insoo hyung said you have a class together.” 

“We do. It’s fine, Jaechannie. We just… don’t talk to each other.” 

Jaechan sighs heavily. “That doesn’t sound good either. You should just talk to him.” 

“About what? Say, hey sorry for trying to steal your boyfriend but he never liked me anyway so why are you still mad at me?” 

Jaechan might be glaring at him. “Yes.” He says tonelessly. “Just like that.” 

 

Morning dance class is misery and Donghan prays for death every day when he has his leg propped up on a barre stretching muscles he didn’t know existed (and didn’t know could burn like that). It’s only made worse by the tiny rehearsal studio their class uses and the fact that Donghan’s spot is across from Insoo’s so they end up looking at each other’s pained faces every morning and it’s weird to say the least. 

They don’t talk, mainly because Prof. Bae could still be a drill sergeant in this life if she ever grew tired of the dance world and doesn’t tolerate chatter during instructional time. Donghan doesn’t really think Insoo would talk to him even if they could, but having someone to talk to would be nice, since Insoo and Hwanwoong only really talk to each other and Donghan doesn’t really know any of their female classmates well enough to strike up a conversation with them. (It’s not that he’s shy, they just look as fierce as Prof. Bae and Donghan’s a little pushed back.) 

Donghan has sweat dripping into eyes and sweat dripping out of his (newly discovered) pores and he kind of feels bad for the girls for having to see him so grossly sweaty so he’s just grateful class is over and he can jump in the showers before dragging himself to a music class he needs for elective credit. Insoo is equally sweaty, the back of his tank top has changed colors, and he’s leaning on the barre and groaning. 

“What if I drop out of school?” he sighs. 

“At least your boyfriend would support you,” Hwanwoong says as he slaps Insoo on the back. 

The slap however, makes Insoo crumple on the barre as he shrieks in pain. “Oww! You motherfucker oh my god…” 

“Shit, shit, what did I do?” Hwanwoong yelps as he hovers over Insoo’s prostrate form. 

“That hurt,” Insoo whimpers. “I’m going to put you in my trunk and leave you there to die. Nobody likes you so no one will go looking for you.” 

“Just go shower, drama queen,” Hwanwoong huffs, pulling Insoo to his feet. “You’ll get over it.”

Donghan rushes through a shower so he can go to his music class without smelling terrible. He guesses he wouldn’t really be able to take much of a relaxing shower anyway because the shower stalls don’t have curtains because the department is cheap. He towels off hurriedly and pulls on clean clothes and on the way out he glances over and notices that Insoo, who has been sitting on a bench groaning in pain, has finally peeled off his shirt. Insoo still has his head in his knees, which only makes the red lines on his back stand out more and Donghan almost trips over his own feet when he realizes what they must be from, that Kenta must have been raking his nails down Insoo’s back, and Donghan feels jealousy burn through him. 

Donghan hurries to leave the locker room before Insoo notices Donghan looking at him. Donghan does think Insoo’s the type to say something snide, or to rub it in Donghan’s face. But Insoo should know that Donghan was never really competition, and that Kenta always knew that it wasn’t going to be Donghan. But Donghan had still spent a lot of time thinking and fantasizing about what really dating Kenta might be like, and so he ended up thinking about sex too. He thought about how easy it would be to pick up Kenta’s slight frame and how Kenta’s slender limbs might feel wrapped around Donghan’s body. Maybe Donghan was always getting ahead of himself but maybe back then Donghan thought he had a chance. 

Donghan slides into the seat beside Geonhee because Geonhee is the only person he knows in this class. Geonhee is leaning half out of his own seat talking to the person sitting behind him and his shirt has ridden up just enough to expose a sliver of skin. Donghan opens his book and scolds himself for being so affected by everything lately. 

It just gets worse because Donghan has no idea what the professor is talking about and he’s pretty sure his mouth is hanging wide open for flies to go inside because his jaw is slack from the shock of actually being as stupid as Sangbin thinks he is. Geonhee glances over at him sympathetically from time to time, messily jotting down notes as the lecture goes on, clearly understanding more than Donghan. 

When class is over, Donghan resigns himself to dropping out of school and supporting himself by stripping in moderately classy bars where hopefully rich middle aged women will place large bills into his underwear. As Donghan begins to consider what his stripper name should be, Geonhee grabs him by the shoulder and asks if Donghan wants him to go over the lecture notes with him. Donghan gives Geonhee a hug and restrains himself from kissing Geonhee full on the mouth for rescuing him from his fate of becoming a stripper. 

They go to the library, sitting in one of the more secluded booths near the reference section, Geonhee stretching his long legs out under the table and yawning. Again, his shirt rides up just enough for Donghan to glimpse a slim stretch of pale skin and it’s doing way too much to Donghan as he slides into the seat beside Geonhee’s. Geonhee flips open his notebook to his page of messy notes. 

“Where’d you get lost?” he asks. 

“From the beginning,” Donghan replies and Geonhee snorts. Honestly, Donghan was never really found because he’d come to class to scatterbrained, so he had no realistic chance of focusing on the lecture. Geonhee is patient going over the lecture and Donghan copies his notes.

“Why’d you take a music history course if you don’t really know anything about it?” Geonhee questions as he flips a page in his notebook. 

“I needed it for elective credit,” Donghan replies. “I’m not usually this dumb,” he adds heatedly. “I had a rough morning.” 

“Rough?” 

“Just,” Donghan sighs. “An Insoo thing. From the summer. It’s awkward.” 

“It’s probably not awkward for Insoo,” Geonhee points out. “You’re the awkward one because you feel guilty.”

“I’m sure you’re going to tell me I should feel guilty.” 

Geonhee blinks at him. “Well, you should.” 

Donghan scowls. “Is this more of your truth telling?” 

He nods. “We both know that I’m right.” Geonhee shuts his notebook. “Relationships are based on trust and you violated it. Sure, Kenta sshi did too, but he broke it off. You didn’t.”

“I already feel bad enough,” Donghan grumbles. 

“Don’t you just feel bad for yourself?” 

“Did you ask if I needed help just to lecture me some more?” 

“No,” Geonhee shrugs. 

Donghan sighs. “I know it was wrong of me but I wasn’t the only one. Kenta hyung didn’t have to go out with me when I asked him.” 

“Well, yeah,” Geonhee says. “But you can only control your own actions, and you did the wrong thing.” 

Donghan slides out of the booth. “Thanks for explaining the lecture to me,” he says. “I’ll see you around.” 

Geonhee half-waves at him. “Bye, Donghan.”

Donghan’s head is spinning as he turns himself around and gets lost between bookshelves and he sighs thinking this isn’t how he expected it to end, starving to death in the library, not to be found for several weeks, when he catches sight of Jaechan over the tops of the books in the shelf he was considering slamming his head against. 

“Jaechannie!” 

Jaechan startles and glares at him. “Why are you yelling?” 

“I’m lost.” 

“You’re in the library,” Jaechan sighs. “Hyung, have you ever been inside of this building before?” 

“Yes, I have,” Donghan says hotly. “Just not this section. Why are you here?” 

“I’m watching Sangbin hyung study,” Jaechan answers, pulling a book off the shelf. “And grabbing books for him. Why are you here?” 

“I was studying too.” 

“But you got lost.” 

“Yes.” 

Jaechan sighs as Donghan follows him out of the row and links arms with him. Jaechan sighs a little as he walks back to his booth. Sangbin is sitting with a pile of books around him and when he glances up, his expression hardens. “Oh good,” he sneers. “Another headache.” 

“Oh, hyung,” Jaechan chides as he slides into the seat across from Sangbin, and Donghan follows. 

“What are you doing?” Donghan asks, glancing over the books Sangbin has piled up. Poetry books. Oh, Insoo hadn’t been joking about that. 

“What the fuck,” Sangbin barks, “does it look like?” 

Donghan shrinks in his seat. “Thesis?” he hazards. 

“That’s right,” Sangbin scowls at him. 

Donghan fidgets gratefully when Sangbin turns his attention away from him and towards his pile of books. Jaechan is watching him with a dreamy expression. Donghan watches them, feeling slightly like a voyeur, because there’s something very intimate in the way Jaechan watches Sangbin read, so Donghan decides that’s his cue to leave. 

Sangbin sticks a pencil in his book and closes it. Donghan is about to say that Sangbin doesn’t need to point him towards the exit, but Sangbin ignores his attempt to start speaking and tells Jaechan he’s going out to smoke. Donghan follows Sangbin out of the library, and wavers when Sangbin stops under the smoking shelter outside the library. 

“You have something to say?” Sangbin asks. “What?” 

Donghan shrugs. “Nothing, really. I was going to ask Jaechannie how you two were doing.” 

“Asking for Taedong?” Sangbin lights his cigarette. 

Donghan blinks. “Well, not really. But I’ll probably tell him…” 

“You’re nosy. Why do you care?” 

“Because Jaechannie and I are friends and…” 

“Are you usually like this? Do you go butting into people’s relationships all the time?” Sangbin exhales. “Don’t you think you should back off?”

“I just want to make sure Jaechan’s okay.” 

“Well, what’s your consensus? Is he okay?” 

“Yes,” Donghan admits. 

Sangbin puffs on his cigarette. “Then tell Taedong that Jaechan is doing just fine. And fuck off, would you?” 

 

Donghan’s status report really does nothing to ease Taedong’s worries about Jaechan, or lessen Taedong’s efforts to get Jaechan to talk to him more. Jaechan wasn’t exactly giving Taedong the silent treatment, but the warmth and affection Jaechan would use to speak to him before was gone, replaced by frosty one word texts that never divulged much information, and he never agreed to go out and meet Taedong on his own. Taedong was agonizing over it, desperately trying to figure out why Jaechan was ignoring his texts more often than not. 

Taedong’s efforts were getting a bit pathetic and Donghan wishes he could stop Taedong from acting out on his impulses to reach out to Jaechan when Jaechan was trying very hard to push Taedong away. Donghan unsuccessfully tries to talk Taedong out of trying to shake down Jaechan’s other friends for information. And Donghan especially tries to talk Taedong out of talking to Insoo about Jaechan. “Wouldn’t Eunki be a better option?” he asks. “Insoo’s a bit…” 

But Taedong tries anyway, even though Insoo wants no part of the charade, especially not after their dance class when he’s irritable and sweaty. 

“Look,” Insoo says exasperatedly. “I’m not overly fond of Jaechan and Sangbin dating either but,” he shrugs, “Jaechannie’s a big boy and that’s what he chose.” 

Taedong starts. “If you don’t like it why don’t you…” 

“Listen,” Insoo snaps. “If you couldn’t talk him out this, do you think I could?”

“Why don’t you like it?” Donghan asks cautiously. 

Insoo glares at him. “Because Sangbin hyung is a jackass and he never talks about his feelings and he fucks hard.” Taedong flinches at the last one and Insoo sighs. “He likes Jaechan a lot but that dumb kid’s so sensitive Sangbin’s bound to hurt his feelings somehow.” 

Taedong doesn’t seem to have anything to say to that, his face drawn.

Insoo sighs again, though it sounds slightly more sympathetic. “Look, if you really want him to still come to you with his problems, you can’t be so judgmental. You can’t expect him to be vulnerable with you when he’s waiting for you to throw it back in his face that you knew this would happen. You smother him. He hates that.” Insoo shrugs. “And honestly, Sangbin’s not going to do anything bad. He’s an asshole but Jaechan means a lot to him. He won’t hurt him.”

“How do you know that?” Taedong sighs. “I don’t trust Sangbin.” 

“Because I know him,” Insoo says. “You don’t.”

“So?” 

“So I know what he’s like better than most people and I assure you, Sangbin’s being as much of a gentleman as he can be to Jaechan.” Insoo rolls his eyes. “If Sangbin really weren’t interested, he’d make it obvious.” 

“But…” 

“I really don’t have time for this,” Insoo interrupts, looking like he’s finally lost all his patience. “I’m not going to defend Sangbin’s character to you because that hyung and I don’t get along anyway. If you don’t trust my word, then don’t trust me, but dial down your raging erection for Jaechannie because whether you like it or not, he doesn’t like you!”

Donghan winces, because Insoo really finds the worst way to word everything, but Taedong lets Insoo walk away from them and stands still for a few moments before kicking over a nearby trash can. 

 

Taedong’s violently bad moods compel Donghan to avoid going back to their room when he can, so he goes to the library instead and ends up studying with Geonhee. As long as Donghan doesn’t bring up anything unrelated to their music class, Geonhee doesn’t pounce on him. It becomes a bit of a habit and slowly Geonhee relaxes around him more, and Donghan likes spending time with him too. Geonhee’s just an easy presence and Donghan starts feeling a little attached to him.

“I’m really jealous of dance students,” Geonhee mentions one day when they’re sitting in their regular booth, sitting with his knees against his chest.

“Really? Why?” 

“You’re so flexible.” Geonhee answers. “Hwanwoong and I are roommates and I’m always amazed at how flexible he is.” 

“I’m sure your flexibility is just fine,” Donghan says, putting his hand on Geonhee’s knee. “I bet you can stretch a lot. Here, can I?”

Geonhee lets Donghan push his leg up higher and higher, pushing it until Geonhee’s leg is straight in the air. “You’re really flexible,” Donghan says accusingly. He reaches for Geonhee’s other leg and it moves as easily as the other. “Super flexible!” And when Donghan pulls both of Geonhee’s legs over his head, that’s when Geonhee loses his balance and topples backwards, yanking Donghan with him and Donghan lands between Geonhee’s legs. 

“Kim Donghan!” Geonhee squawks. 

“Sorry,” Donghan says, without getting up. “But Geonhee, can I tell you something?”

“What?”

“I really like being around you.” Donghan says. “I like you a lot.”

“I like being around you too. But why…” 

Donghan rushes out his words. “You always talk about telling the truth and to tell the truth I want to kiss you.”

“Okay,” Geonhee says. “We can kiss.” 

So Donghan, still between Geonhee’s legs in that booth, lowers his head and catches Geonhee’s lips in a kiss that slowly grows more heated as Geonhee threads his fingers through Donghan’s hair and pulls him in closer. Donghan shifts against Geonhee to push their bodies closer together as he kisses Geonhee more deeply. 

When they pull apart they’re both out of breath and Geonhee’s fingers are still tangled in Donghan’s hair. “You’re a good kisser,” Geonhee tells him breathlessly. 

“You too,” Donghan says. “Do you want…” 

But Geonhee’s phone rings suddenly and Geonhee scrambles to pick it up and Donghan has to get off of him, suddenly feeling a little embarrassed that they just made out in the library where anyone could have walked by them and seen them sucking face like that. 

“Sorry,” Geonhee says. “I have to run.” He licks his lips. “But we should do this again.” 

“Yeah,” Donghan nods. “Yeah, we should.”

 

“I’ve got a bone to pick with Kim Donghan,” is the last thing Donghan really wants to hear while eating breakfast, because in order to not give himself away, he has to try to silently not choke to death on a sausage. Maybe it would be a symbolic death, but Donghan was just too young and beautiful to die.

Jihoon is about to reach and smack Donghan to dislodge the sausage in the base of Donghan’s throat, when another voice is heard agreeing. “Don’t we all.” It’s Insoo. 

Donghan kind of wants to die because the first voice continues. “He’s dicking around with my roommate and I can’t have that.” 

“Hwanwoongie, are you being defensive because you are secretly in love with Lee Geonhee?” 

Donghan’s choking becomes even worse as Hwanwoong raises his voice. “I don’t want to have sex with Geonhee but I know him well enough that he doesn’t just hook up and clearly Donghan is just using him for sex.” 

Jihoon is scribbling fiercely on a napkin. “WHEN” is what he writes, but Donghan can’t answer because he is still in the middle of choking to death. Thanks, Jihoon.

“How do you know that?” Insoo sighs. “He sure wanted a lot more than sex from Kenta hyung.” 

“I saw him lifting up Geonhee’s legs and just. Spreading them. In the library. In the middle of the day. With people around. What kind of shameless bullshit.” 

“Now this aversion to having a good time is why you can’t get a date.” 

There’s a loud thud and Insoo yowls in pain. Jihoon is scribbling again. “YOU RAW DOGGED IT WITH LEE GEONHEE IN THE LIBRARY?” 

Donghan finally manages to dislodge the sausage - no thanks to Jihoon - and his airways fill blissfully with air. He shakes his head and writes a response, “WE JUST MADE OUT.” 

“This wouldn’t be a problem,” Insoo’s voice continues, “if you and Eunki had just let me run Donghan over with my car the first time I asked.” 

Donghan is glad he hadn’t tried to eat any more of his breakfast or else he would have choked again. 

“You would have totaled that old piece of crap if you tried to.” Hwanwoong sniffs. “Anyway. If Geonhee catches feelings and Donghan isn’t serious, I need your reassurance you’re going to help me kill him.” 

“You didn’t even need to invoke Geonhee, I would help you kill Donghan with no questions asked.” 

Donghan could cry. He hasn’t even done anything! Jihoon is scribbling. “WHAT DID YOU DO TO THOSE PEOPLE?” 

Donghan wishes he knew. 

Okay, actually, Donghan can make an educated guess. 

Obviously, Insoo has some lingering resentments towards Donghan because of Kenta, and Donghan can uneasily accept that. But then again, it’s not like Donghan was one-sidedly seducing Kenta because Kenta had been willing to get seduced to some extent. He didn’t force Kenta to go out with him, after all. And the only time Donghan really stepped over the line and kissed Kenta on the cheek was when he was plastered. 

Donghan isn’t as sure as to why Hwanwoong suddenly feels so violently angry at him. Hwanwoong and Geonhee were roommates but Donghan hadn’t been under the impression Hwanwoong was willing to kill for him. 

“Dude,” Jihoon says when they’re finally out of the cafeteria. “You gotta explain now.” 

Donghan shrugs awkwardly. “What’s there to explain?” 

“You’re sleeping with Lee Geonhee? When the fuck did that happen? You animal, the semester barely started and your dick’s already been in someone.” 

Donghan decides it would be the best to correct Jihoon to keep things from spiraling farther out of control. “We’re not sleeping together. I’m taking a music class and Geonhee’s the only person I know there so I started talking to him.” 

“But you raw dogged it in the library?” 

“Please never say ‘raw dogged’ out loud again,” Donghan implores. “No the leg thing was, it was just, Geonhee said he wasn’t flexible and was jealous whenever he saw how much someone could stretch so I told him I would see how flexible he was. And I just kinda lifted his legs all the way up. He’s really flexible!” 

“You dog,” Jihoon sounds somewhat impressed. “You’re a dick magnet.” 

“Sure, I only attract guys who have other guys hanging around wanting to kill me for it,” Donghan grumbles. “Fuck me, I have that one class with Insoo and Hwanwoong and now I know they both want me dead. Insoo wants to hit me with his car! What the fuck!”

“Taedong says his car is so rickety and old it shouldn’t be street legal,” Jihoon snorts. “You’d probably break it. Drop out of the class?” 

“Can’t, the professor would probably rip out my asshole and sew my cheeks shut for my insolence.”

Jihoon shudders. “That’s why you check the register before signing up for the class. I’ve never had that professor, she sounds too scary.” 

“She is scary,” Donghan whines. 

“So are you and Geonhee an item?” Jihoon asks. 

“I don’t think so?” Donghan shrugs. “We didn’t talk about it.” 

And they hadn’t. Donghan and Geonhee’s relationship had remained somewhat unchanged even after kissing in the library. They still sat next to one another in class and studied together, and now also clandestinely made out in the reference section. 

Neither of them had seemed inclined to talk about what their kissing meant, or if either of them were warming up to an actual relationship. Donghan had assumed that since Geonhee was so forthcoming about everything else, if he was interested in dating, he would say it. 

This was supported by Geonhee only being firm that he wasn’t interested in meaninglessly hooking up. 

“I don’t usually sleep with people in my courses,” he says. “It makes things awkward.” 

“That’s what semester’s end parties are for,” Donghan says before he realizes that it makes him sound like he was having all kinds of sex with classmates in the week after finals and he flushes. “I’m not an easy guy.” 

“I’m just saying I don’t want to have sex with you unless you really like me,” Geonhee says. “You can kiss me if you like, but I don’t want more than that unless you mean it.” 

So Donghan just kisses him.

 

Taedong’s moods don’t show any improvement, in fact Taedong only seems to be backpedaling further and is even more cut up about Jaechan than he was before. No matter how much Donghan tries to coax him to parties or Jihoon offers to set Taedong up on blind dates, Taedong seems much more hellbent on moping. 

“You don’t get over someone by getting underneath someone else,” he tells Jihoon sharply and the hair on the back of Donghan’s neck stands up. 

“I’m not telling you to fuck and forget, I’m just saying it might be good for you to see there are other fish in the sea,” Jihoon says defensively. “Look at Donghan, he was snotting for a couple weeks and now he’s raw dogging it in the library with Lee Geonhee.” 

“I am not raw dogging anyone!” Donghan huffs. “We’re not even dating!” 

“See, Donghan’s the one with a fuck buddy. I never said you had to do the same thing.” 

“I’m fine,” Taedong huffs. “I don’t need you to set me up with anyone.”

Later, Donghan asks Taedong if he is fine and Taedong glares at him. “So what do you like about Geonhee?” Taedong’s tone isn’t very kind. “He isn’t your type.” 

Donghan flushes. He doesn’t really know what his type his, other than maybe the type to hook up without strings attached. Honestly, Geonhee is physically more his type than Kenta, the true outlier, was, so Donghan doesn’t really know what to say. 

“I like him,” is what he decides to say. 

Taedong gives him a withering stare. “Really. What’s one thing you like about him other than he lets you French him.” 

Donghan’s face is burning. “He’s really smart.” 

Taedong shrugs his shoulders. 

“What’s something you like so much about Jaechan?” 

Taedong looks at him. “Everything. I like everything about him. His stubbornness. The sound of his laugh. Everything. I love everything about him.” 

“Except that he loves Sangbin instead of you.” 

Taedong looks away. “Yes,” he concedes, “except for that.” 

 

Donghan tries to be introspective when he considers what he finds attractive about Geonhee. But being too honest is a bit frightening when his thinking turns up blanks. Donghan concludes that he’s mainly attracted to Geonhee’s willingness to fulfill some of his tactile longing, which is the last conclusion Donghan wanted to come to, so he tries to think harder. 

Donghan does like Geonhee. Geonhee is smart and funny and good looking and he’s nice to Donghan. But beyond that, Donghan doesn’t feel a deep rooted affinity for Geonhee that he’s felt the other times he truly thought he was in love, and it’s beginning to worry him. Because Donghan wants to be in love with Geonhee, but he doesn’t seem to be. 

And so Donghan feels a bit guilty when he’s kissing Geonhee, and kissing Geonhee’s collarbones, and kissing down Geonhee’s chest, and kissing him down to the button of his jeans and Geonhee’s hands cup his face and make Donghan look up so they can look each other in the eyes when Geonhee asks, “do you mean it?” and Donghan feels increasingly guilty when he can’t say yes. Donghan’s more worried that Geonhee doesn’t have much to say when Donghan rises from his knees, mood usually ruined, and Donghan’s stuck mumbling that he’s sorry. 

 

“Hey,” Jihoon says one night, dangling his top half over the edge of his bunk. “Do you remember that day in the caf when we overheard your classmates plotting your murder? I heard them again. I was hanging out with Woojin and his boyfriend, and Hyungseob dragged us over to chat with them and woah, that short guy was pissed off.” 

“Which short guy? They’re both kinda short…” 

“Not Insoo. Hwanwoong? Yeah, that one. He went off saying there was somebody who kept trying to get into his roommate’s pants and was being really desperate about it even though his roommate doesn’t like hooking up. I thought you and that guy were fuckbuddies?” 

Donghan slaps his hand over his face and groans. “You just assumed we were fuckbuddies. We’re not. It’s complicated.” 

“Complicated enough for Hwanwoong to agree Insoo should definitely run you over with his car?” 

Donghan groans. “I guess so.” 

 

Donghan’s a bit reluctant to bring it up, but he feels like he has to because he doesn’t want to feel jumpy every time he sees an old car. 

“Can I ask you something?” Donghan asks and Geonhee nods. “Are we okay? Because I heard that Hwanwoong was planning to run me over with Insoo’s car and I… I’m just a little surprised that you didn’t say anything up to me.” 

Geonhee sighs. “I admit I didn’t say anything to you because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say. So I vented to Hwanwoong, but whatever violent solution he worked out for himself, I didn’t have anything to do with that.”

“But why didn’t you? When you’re so big on telling the truth…” 

“Because I like you,” Geonhee says abruptly. “I like you a lot. And it’s very hurtful that you don’t seem to like me back the way I want you too.” 

“I’m sorry,” Donghan mumbles, feeling cowed and embarrassed and a little bit ashamed. 

Geonhee sighs again. “What I want to know is if you’re just interested in me now because you’re trying to get over someone else.” 

“I’m not using you to get over Kenta hyung,” Donghan says hotly. “I’ve barely thought about Kenta hyung…” 

“But you won’t commit to something more with me,” Geonhee interrupts. “When I ask if you if you mean it, you always tell me no. How do you want me to interpret that? You want to have sex with me but that’s it.”

“I’m just…” Donghan’s mouth is altogether too dry. “I’m not ready.” 

Geonhee looks away. “I’m not going to give you much more time to decide if you’re ready. I’m not willing to get strung along.” 

 

“I’m going to shit myself,” Hwanwoong announces in the locker room. 

“Girls don’t generally find that attractive,” Insoo calls over from where he’s changing his clothes. 

“I hate Prof. Bae; she’s trying to kill me.” 

“You’re just embarrassed because Soyeon’s tall.” 

Donghan jumps when he hears Hwanwoong hitting a locker. “She’s a goddess,” he hisses. “A tall goddess and she’s good at dancing and she’s exactly my type.” Another bang on the locker. “But you don’t sleep with people on your courses and you don’t bring it up when the professor’s partnered you up for the midterm practical. I’m already in love with her.” 

“She might have a terrible personality,” Insoo ventures. “Or you’ll find out you can’t work together. You could be me. You could have Donghan as a partner.” 

“Donghan’s in here. He can hear you.” 

“Good.” 

Donghan winces a bit. Part of him knows this vindictive part of Insoo exists, but he doesn’t much like being in its crosshairs. He wasn’t the one who picked the midterm partners so Insoo really shouldn’t be mad at him.

“I have to go,” Hwanwoong sighs. “I’ll see you around.” 

Donghan waits until he hears the door to the locker room open and close before he walks over to where Insoo is sitting on a bench tying his shoelaces. Insoo glances up at him briefly before switching legs to tie the other shoe. 

“Insoo,” Donghan says. “What do you think of me?” 

Insoo looks back up at him blankly. “I hate you.” He says it plainly, as if he’s commenting on the weather or what the cafeteria is serving for lunch, and not like he’s just said something that’s driven Donghan into shock. He nods and goes back to his shoe. “I hate you.” 

“Why?” Donghan asks. 

“I just do. It’s on principle. You had an emotional affair with my boyfriend. I have to hate you.” 

Donghan’s speechless.

“You have no idea what I went through when you were trying to mess around with my boyfriend,” Insoo adds quietly. “The way you acted - and I know Kenta told you about how I felt - without any consideration. And now the way you’re acting with Geonhee, leading him on. But I guess that’s just the kind of person you are.” Insoo picks up his things and brushes past Donghan on the way out of the locker room. 

 

“I’m sorry,” is the only thing Donghan can think to say when Geonhee doesn’t want to hold his hands as he attempts to break up when they were never really together. “You always told me that I deserved to hear the truth, so you told me. You deserve the truth too, so I have to tell you the truth and tell you that I’m not in love with you. Not in the way you hope I am, and not even in the way I hoped I was. You deserve to meet someone nicer, someone who will love you honestly.” 

“Thank you,” Geonhee says. “You deserve that too.” Donghan can’t quite tell if he means it. 

Donghan sits alone a while longer, thoughts churning, and questions what kind of person he really is, and if he was always going to be in this position, where love never works out.


	5. last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter that was a long time coming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. So. It's been a minute. More like a literal month. So my thesis was due at the end of April and after I handed it in it zapped all remaining motivation I had after sucking up all my free time. So I am so so sorry for how long it took to finish this off. This chapter did things I wasn't quite planning and didn't end how I quite anticipated, but I still hope you enjoy it! 
> 
> Thank you for reading another one of these chaptered pieces and I hope it was worth the wait! 
> 
>  
> 
> You can also follow me on Twitter @jy_kim8008 and I tweet about my fics sometimes!

Donghan starts to notice the way Taedong’s hands linger on him after about a week of Taedong being oddly calm and demure. It’s certainly strange to Donghan, because he didn’t think Taedong had resolved anything with Jaechan, but he was acting as if he’d finally made peace with Jaechan’s decisions. It was nice to see Taedong so docile, especially after a month of endless moodiness. 

But the touching. 

Donghan isn’t against Taedong touching him, or even being more tactile than usual. Donghan is tactile (and it gets him into a lot of trouble as he’s learned) but Taedong was never overly so, not even with Jaechan. It’s a little bit rattling, even if it’s just because Donghan has been avoiding so many people lately, he’s been starved of any physical affection. 

As if being unable to realistically avoid Geonhee wasn’t difficult enough for Donghan to deal with, then he had to see Hwanwoong and Insoo all the time. Hwanwoong he could avoid a little, but getting partnered with Insoo was really just the universe being cruel to him because all Donghan and Insoo have done is butt heads. 

So at the end of a long, exhausting day, the last thing Donghan really expects to walk in on is Taedong and Jaechan embracing in the middle of their dorm room. But that’s what he walks into. 

“Am I interrupting something?” Donghan asks, unsure of what he’s supposed to with himself after walking in on something that looks so intimate. 

“No,” Taedong replies as Jaechan steps away from him, trying to discreetly wipe at his eyes. Taedong runs his hands over Jaechan’s hair, which does nothing to assure Donghan he isn’t interrupting, but Jaechan smiles at him a little meekly as he slips out of their room. 

“You must be talking again,” Donghan ventures awkwardly as he dumps his stuff onto his bed. 

“Yeah,” Taedong says softly. “He came here because he wanted to talk again.” 

“That’s good.” 

“It really is.” 

Donghan goes into the bathroom to shower and Taedong trails in after him asking how his day was. 

“Fucking terrible,” Donghan says over the din of the water hitting the shower wall. “I kind of feel like killing myself, is that normal?” 

“I know the feeling,” Taedong says sympathetically. 

Donghan pokes his head out from behind the shower curtain. Taedong is perched on the sink. “It’s just not normal.” He sighs. “Everything I suggest, Insoo doesn’t like. I know he’s trying to make a point and tell me he’s better than me but this is for a grade. And he won. I don’t get him.” Donghan dips back under the showerhead. “He’s still got Kenta and I don’t have anyone. I already feel shitty.” 

Taedong pulls open the curtain and Donghan blinks at him. “You do have someone,” Taedong says softly. “I count, don’t I?” 

Donghan nods as Taedong closes the shower curtain and Donghan thinks it’s not exactly fair for Taedong to say things like that when Donghan’s naked. 

 

Insoo is in the dance studio early and Donghan awkwardly says hello to him as Insoo is stretching. 

“You’re here early,” Donghan says, trying to sound casual. 

“I hurt my waist,” Insoo grunts. “I came early to make sure I’m warmed up enough to not hurt it more.” 

“How did you hurt your waist?” Donghan asks. 

Insoo glances at him. “You probably don’t want to hear the answer to that.” 

Donghan blinks. “Oh. I guess not.” Donghan sighs as he sits on the floor to stretch. It’s actually surprising that Insoo isn’t rubbing his sex life in Donghan’s face. 

Dance classes have been relatively quiet because they’ve just been doing a lot of foundation work since Prof. Bae has high expectations for their midterms. Dance practices, on the other hand, have been miserable because all Donghan and Insoo do is argue back and forth and Donghan doesn’t want to budge but Insoo seriously won’t give Donghan an inch. Donghan knows Insoo’s being purposely difficult. It’s terribly immature and they’re getting graded for fuck’s sake, but Insoo must feel entitled to make Donghan’s life as hellish as possible. Insoo honestly doesn’t have to try so hard, Donghan’s already feeling unbearably awkward around everyone. 

Hwanwoong strolls into the room and glances at Donghan before finding a spot on the floor to flop facedown. 

“What’s your problem?” Insoo asks. 

“Soyeon rejected me.” Hwanwoong tells the floor. 

“What the hell happened to not asking out people on your courses?” Insoo rolls his eyes. 

“No,” Hwanwoong groans. “Her girlfriend picked her up from dance practice. I never even had a chance.” 

“You didn’t have a chance even if she liked guys,” Insoo snorts. 

“Shut up,” Hwanwoong snaps. “It’s understandable. A goddess like her could only love other women. It would just hurt less if I wasn’t already in love with her.” 

“One day your prince will come, Hwanwoongie.” 

Hwanwoong kicks at Insoo feebly. “Shut up. I hate you.” 

Donghan is saved by the professor walking in and snapping them all to attention so Donghan can struggle and groan through foundation work and his core is burning and so are his calves and his thighs and every muscle he didn’t know could burn. He’s so worn out he’s actually relieved that Insoo grimaces at him and says he can’t practice today because he’s in too much pain. He even says sorry. Donghan’s almost too exhausted to notice. 

Donghan hobbles to the library because he wants to find Jaechan to ask him about what he and Taedong were doing when Donghan awkwardly walked in since Taedong was being oddly tight lipped about the whole thing. He wasn’t sure why, since Taedong had said it was good that Jaechan wanted to talk. 

Donghan finds Jaechan, but he’s asleep and curled up against Sangbin’s side on one of the library couches. 

“Do you want something?” Sangbin asks his gruffly as he glares over the top of the book he’s reading. 

“I wanted to talk to Jaechannie,” Donghan says feebly. “But he’s asleep…” 

Sangbin sighs. “About what?” 

“He came over a couple days ago and was talking to Taedong. I was wondering…” 

“Aren’t you nosy,” Sangbin grumbles. He nudges Jaechan. “Donghan wants to talk to you.” 

Jaechan buries his face in Sangbin’s side. “I’m sleeping,” he mumbles. 

“You heard him, get lost.” Sangbin turns the page of his book. 

Sangbin actually ignores him when Donghan tries to open his mouth to speak again, so Donghan leaves, feeling weird because he’s been dismissed by someone half asleep. 

 

“Hey,” Jaechan says as he slides into the seat across from Donghan’s. “Sorry, I was really cranky and sleepy the other day.” 

Donghan smiles. “It’s okay. Honestly, I was having a rough day too, I just wanted to talk to you a little.” 

“Sangbin hyung said you wanted to talk to me about Taedong hyung?” Jaechan blinks at him. “Why?” 

“What exactly do you see in that hyung?” Donghan asks. “Sangbin hyung, I mean. Because he’s kind of intimidating and I didn’t think you would like a guy like that.” 

“He’s really not that fierce,” Jaechan says. “He’s very gentle.” 

Donghan shrugs. “Huh.” 

“He is,” Jaechan turns to Donghan and worries his lower lip a little. “He’s really sweet. He reads to me a lot, and he’s very cuddly.” 

Donghan raises his eyebrows, but he thinks of Hyunwoo’s teasing and that it must be true that Jaechan can turn Sangbin all soft and puddly. “Is he?” 

“Yes,” Jaechan’s eyes are soft and dreamy. “He’s really good to me.” He sighs. “But he’s just really busy now. He’s spending so much time in the library working. I stayed up to watch him work; that’s why I was so sleepy.” 

“Is that also why you went to go visit Taedong?” 

“No,” Jaechan sighs. “I just missed him. I was missing him anyway. I guess I just decided it wasn’t worth not speaking to him. And Sangbin hyung doesn’t care whether or not Taedong hyung and I are talking, he doesn’t even care if Taedong is still in love with me.” 

Donghan blinks. “But wouldn’t…” 

“I’m not in love with Taedong hyung,” Jaechan says. “I can’t control how he feels. And I told him he shouldn’t hope that something will happen between us, and that it was okay if he fell in love with someone else.” 

“What does that mean?” 

Jaechan rests his chin on the heel of his palm. “It means when I talked to him, I noticed something different about him, so I told him if he was falling for someone else it’s not like I would be upset. I’m not in love with him, I never have been, and I don’t want him to be unhappy.” 

“What do you see in Sangbin hyung that you don’t see in Taedong? How do you know that you aren’t in love with him?” Donghan sighs. “I can’t tell anymore when I’m forcing myself to like someone more.” 

“I can just tell,” Jaechan muses. “It’s just different. I do love Taedong, but it’s never been the same. When Sangbin hyung touches me I feel beautiful.” Jaechan’s face suddenly flares up red. “Don’t laugh at me.” 

“I’m not.” Donghan says.

Jaechan looks wistful again. “The way I feel about Sangbin has always been different. I’m sure you’ve felt it too, maybe it’s just harder when you’ve fallen out of love before too. I liked Sangbin hyung for a long time before I knew he felt the same way.” 

Donghan hums in agreement. “But Jaechannie,” Donghan glances at him. “Does that scary looking hyung really call you ‘kitten?’” 

Jaechan’s face turns inexplicably redder as he pushes Donghan away and curses Hyunwoo under his breath. 

It takes Donghan much longer for it to dawn on him that Jaechan said he suspected Taedong had been falling in love with someone else and for some reason that absolutely fries Donghan’s brain. He doesn’t really know what to make of Taedong being in love with someone else when Taedong has been so endlessly devoted to Jaechan, to the point where Donghan gave up on his own feelings because he knew nothing would come of them. But if Taedong really were falling for someone else, why did it make Donghan feel so strangely uneasy? 

 

“Donghanie!” 

Donghan knows Eunki must think he’s being very nice and is trying to rebuild relationships when he drags Donghan by the wrist over to the table he, Insoo, Hwanwoong, and Sangbin are sitting at and all but forces Donghan to sit next to him. Donghan smiles weakly across the table. 

“Hi,” his voice nearly cracks. 

“How are you?” Eunki is smiling kindly. 

“I’m okay,” Donghan replies. “What about you?” 

“We’re just trying to take Sangbin’s mind off his thesis,” Eunki says breezily. 

“No, we’re asking questions about his sex life,” Insoo says dryly and then yelps because Eunki kicks him under the table. 

Sangbin is staring at him appraisingly. “Are you going to tell Taedong everything I say about Jaechan?” 

Donghan shrugs. “No. They’re talking again and Jaechan visits a lot too. So I don’t have to be a messenger or anything.” 

“Do you hear that, your precious boy toy is spending all his spare time in someone else’s bedroom,” Insoo sing-songs and Sangbin elbows him. 

“I knew that already, shut up.” 

“Jaechanie told me you’re really busy…” Donghan starts worriedly but Insoo waves his words away. 

“Sangbin is pretending to be hard and uncaring, he’s not too busy for Jaechan, but this is the first time in two weeks I haven’t seen him smoking. He doesn’t want Jaechan smelling him all the time.” 

“He doesn’t like it either,” Sangbin says defensively. 

“So Sangbinie hyung has been very, very lonely without his Jaechanie stroking his ego and maybe his cock and OUCH! Eunki!” 

“Please stop being so indecent,” Eunki says through clenched teeth. 

“Really? That’s the limit? You were fine listening to Insoo complaining about the cause of all his aches and pains but Insoo lying about Sangbin’s sex life is indecent?” Hwanwoong scoffs. 

“I’m not lying,” Insoo huffs. “This hyung likes strange things and has probably already defiled my poor innocent child. I’m sure he is already planning to wrap up his dick and give it to Jaechan as a birthday present…” 

Insoo screeches when Sangbin pinches him in the side and twists. “That’s my cue to leave,” he says, seemingly indifferent to Insoo thrashing around. Hwanwoong slides out of the booth to get out of the way of Insoo’s flailing limbs. 

“Let go,” Insoo wheezes. “I’ll tell Jaechan you have flesh eating bacteria on your cock.” 

“He’s already seen it. I’m going to bruise you if you keep this up.” 

“Monster,” Insoo whimpers. “Let go, you’re hurting me!” 

Sangbin shrugs. “You’re the one who likes strange things. You used to like it when I hurt you.”

“I hate you,” Insoo sniffs, and Sangbin releases him and Insoo rolls onto the floor under the table. Sangbin slides out of the booth and leaves without so much as goodbye. Insoo wobbles back above the table and pulls his shirt up to reveal and red bruise on his ribs. “Look at this!” he complains. “I hate that hyung.” 

Donghan glances down and sees from Insoo’s jeans are hanging off his hips, there are also bruises that look unrelated to Sangbin pinching him, so Donghan looks away. 

“Put your shirt back on!” Eunki hisses. 

“Look at this!” Insoo leans across the table. “What is my Kenta going to think?” 

“I bet it’s going to fade in a couple of hours,” Eunki tugs Insoo’s shirt back down. “Kenta hyung won’t even see it.” 

“Kenta hyung won’t even mind,” Hwanwoong snorts as he sits back down. “He’ll probably think he did it and not even notice.” 

“My Kenta is more attentive than that,” Insoo protests, lifting his shirt again to prod at the little red bruise. 

Donghan is trying to slide out of his chair without being noticed, but Eunki’s hand lands on his shoulder. “Is Insoo getting on your nerves a lot when you rehearse?” 

Donghan chokes a little. “Uh…” 

Eunki sighs. “I knew it.”

Insoo is still rubbing his side. “I’m not doing anything.” 

“I should go,” Donghan squeaks, escaping from Eunki (he thinks) but Eunki follows him and stops him when Donghan has gotten far enough away from their table. 

“Donghan…” 

“Eunki, it’s fine, even if Insoo’s being a pain in the ass because I deserve it and it’s not even a big deal…” 

Eunki squashes his face to keep Donghan from talking and it’s bizarrely patronizing. “They’re just acting more annoyed than they are.” Eunki says. “Insoo’s just being difficult and honestly Hwanwoong’s fine too. Geonhee’s already interested in someone else and…” 

“Eunki, I said I was fine.” Donghan flushes as he pushes Eunki’s hands away from his face. “I am.” 

“I don’t want you to think that we hate you, because we don’t. I certainly don’t.” Eunki sighs. 

“You don’t?” Donghan blinks. 

“No.” Eunki frowns. “I don’t hate you. I can tell you feel badly about things, so I know you didn’t mean to cause any conflicts. You like who you like, and that’s not something to hate you for.” 

“Thank you,” Donghan mumbles. 

Eunki pats him on the shoulder. “Those two will come around. They end up feeding off each other and get more aggravated than they are.” 

Donghan nods and Eunki gives him another reassuring pat. 

 

Maybe it’s a combination of things. Maybe it’s because Taedong was acting strange even before he started to talking to Jaechan again. Maybe it’s because Donghan walked in on something that looked more intimate than just agreeing to talk again. Maybe it’s because Jaechan hinted that Taedong might be falling in love with someone else. 

Or maybe because Donghan is stupidly hoping that Taedong has fallen in love with him.

And yet, he doesn’t know what to do when Taedong cups the side of his face and asks him very seriously, “Can I tell you that I like you a lot?” 

“Sure,” Donghan’s heart is pounding too hard. 

He can feel the way Taedong’s fingers tremble on his face. “Then can I tell you that I love you?” 

Donghan’s eyes widen as he flings Taedong’s arm away from him. “No you can’t,” Donghan sputters. Taedong looks shocked. “You can’t just tell me that! Not when I can’t be sure… not when it’s because you can’t have Jaechan! I loved you so much I was in love with you for so long but I can’t be your second choice just because Jaechan doesn’t want you…” 

Donghan trails off because Taedong looks thunderstruck. 

“I’m sorry,” Taedong says quietly. “I shouldn’t have assumed…” 

“No, no, it’s my fault, I shouldn’t snap at you, I just…” Donghan sighs. “I just feel strange. I don’t want to feel like I’m here and convenient for you. I know you don’t mean it like that, I just… I feel burned out.” 

“I’m sorry. Forget I said anything.” Taedong says. 

“I’m sorry,” Donghan says. “I’m really sorry.” 

Jihoon picks up on the weird atmosphere between Taedong and Donghan when he gets back to the room and asks them both out clubbing. Taedong looks like he’s going to refuse, but Donghan tells him to come so Taedong hesitates before agreeing. 

Donghan gets shitfaced (or at least, as shitfaced as he can be and still think and speak coherently) because that’s easier than any conversation he could have with Taedong sober and drops himself on Taedong’s shoulder. 

“Let’s go home,” he groans into Taedong’s shoulder. 

“Jihoonie?” Taedong asks. 

“He’ll be fine,” Donghan tugs at his arm. “I want you to take me home.” 

“Okay,” Taedong says. 

Donghan thinks he might throw up in the cab, but he doesn’t, so he manages to push Taedong down on his bed and get on top of Taedong. 

“Donghanie?” 

“I do like you, you know. Jaechannie told me he thought you liked someone. I hoped it was me but I yelled at you. I was mean.” Donghan drops his head on Taedong’s chest. “I don’t know what I’m feeling lately. I can’t tell when I’m forcing my feelings anymore.” 

Taedong pats the top of Donghan’s head. “It’s okay. I was too forward too.” 

Donghan sighs. “I was in love with you for a year but all that time you were in love with Jaechannie.” 

“You were?” 

“Yeah. But I gave up because I never thought you’d see me. But now that you have I’m confused.” 

“That’s okay,” Taedong is petting Donghan’s hair. “I understand.” 

Donghan lifts his head. “Do you still like me? Even though I yelled at you?” 

“Yes.” 

Donghan shifts himself so he’s face to face to with Taedong. “Do you want me?” 

Taedong swallows. “What do you mean?” 

“Do you want to sleep with me?” 

“Donghan, you’re drunk.” 

“So? We like each other, right?” 

“Yes, but…” 

“Then it’s okay, I’m fine enough to talk to you.” Donghan kisses Taedong, and it’s a lot like their first kiss except Donghan’s much drunker, but Taedong is still pushing him away. 

“We shouldn’t. You’re really drunk.” 

“Taedongie, that’s very considerate, but I am fine.” 

“Donghan, really…” 

“Do you not want me?” 

“That’s not it.” 

“Then why are you pushing me away?” 

Taedong sits up very suddenly and Donghan loses his bearings so he clings to Taedong’s arms for balance, head suddenly spinning. 

“I’ve never done it before,” is what Taedong says and then Donghan can’t quite remember what he does next because he suddenly needs to throw up. 

 

Donghan wakes up in his bunk with his phone ringing next to his head and he answers it groggily. 

“Donghan hyung,” Jaechan’s voice sounds slightly worried. “Is Taedong still in your dorm?” 

Donghan rolls over and sees Taedong’s bed is empty. “No. Why?” 

Jaechan sighs. “He was supposed to come meet me, but he’s late. Maybe he left already. He wasn’t picking up my calls.” 

“I’m sure he’s on his way,” Donghan yawns as he drags himself into a sitting position. “We drank last night so maybe he was just sluggish and hungover.” 

“I guess. Oh, wait, I think I see him. Yeah, there he is. Drink a lot of water, Donghanie.” 

“Yeah, have fun with Taedongie,” Donghan hangs up and slumps back over. Last night is a big hazy cloud and Donghan isn’t really sure what happened. He remembers going out to the club and coming back home with Taedong and the rest was a blur. He rolls himself out of bed to hobble to the bathroom to splash water on his face and guzzle more water from the tap and then crawls back into bed and rolls himself into a ball.

 

Donghan probably could have gone on not remembering the night and not thinking anything was wrong if not for Jaechan’s sudden inexplicable frostiness. 

Donghan really can’t figure out why Jaechan is very suddenly not talking to him again and is ignoring him even more explicitly than before. Jaechan is still talking to Taedong, and Taedong is still talking to Donghan, so Donghan doesn’t know what he did to make Jaechan start ignoring him again. It doesn’t become any clearer when Taedong has no ideas as to why Jaechan’s being frosty again so Donghan tries to approach Jaechan delicately. 

“Jaechannie,” Donghan smiles. “Is everything alright?” 

“I don’t know,” Jaechan might be glaring at him again. “Is everything alright?” 

Donghan’s smile falters. “Well, I wouldn’t know. You suddenly stopped talking to me and I don’t know why. Did I do something wrong? Again?” 

Jaechan is definitely glaring at him. “You said something to Taedong hyung.” 

“What did I say?” 

Jaechan scowls at him. “You know what you said.” 

“No, Jaechannie, I don’t. I think… do you mean when I was really drunk? I can’t remember anything, and I…” 

Jaechan cuts him off. “You told Taedong hyung you were in love with him, asked him to have sex with you, and then you threw up on him.” Jaechan grits his teeth. “And that was after you accused him of not loving you, or only wanting you because he couldn’t have me.” 

“But Taedong is still talking to me! He isn’t angry at me so why are you?” 

“He said you wouldn’t remember what you did so he couldn’t be mad at you.” Jaechan’s eyes are so dark and full of fire and Donghan’s never seen him so incensed. “But I can be mad at you. I am mad at you.” 

“What did I do?” 

“I trusted you,” Jaechan says sharply. “I really trusted you to not hurt him. That’s why I said anything at all. Because you of all people… you don’t judge him for anything else, do you? There are things about Taedong that I can’t even accept, but you accept them, don’t you?” 

Donghan thinks of bloody knuckles, and nods. 

“I know that Taedong hyung still loves me. But I know he feels something for you that’s more than friendship. And you used to love him. You. You hated me because Taedong loves me.” 

Donghan looks away. “Could you tell when I hated you?” 

“Yes.” Jaechan sighs. “I know a lot has happened since then, so I just hoped you’d give Taedong a chance. He’s not projecting onto you.” 

“But he still loves you. That’s not going to change and I don’t want to be his second choice.” 

“You still shouldn’t blame him for that. He’s just as confused by his feelings as you are. And you really hurt him. I can’t forgive you for how much you hurt him.” 

“Jaechannie.” 

“No, Donghan, I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want your apologies, you should apologize to Taedong. But even if you do, my feelings toward you have changed.” 

 

Donghan clearly doesn’t suffer enough so he has dance practices with Insoo and they argue and practice until they’re both ready to drop. Insoo lays down on the floor and groans when they decide to call it quits for the day. 

Donghan lowers himself to the ground gingerly and lays back to stare at the ceiling. 

“You know,” Insoo says. “I don’t really hate you.” 

“Huh?” 

“I don’t really hate you. It’s just easy to hate you because you wanted Kenta. But if you hadn’t wanted him, if I hadn’t been so afraid of losing him to you, Kenta and I wouldn’t have argued and things wouldn’t be better now. So I don’t hate you when I think like that.” Insoo sighs. “I wanted to hate you, though. So I wouldn’t hate Kenta, or myself.” 

“Kenta hyung never wanted me like that,” Donghan mumbles. “He told me that he would have never left you, and if you really did dump him that he would have blamed me and hated me.” 

“Huh.” Insoo rolls over onto his side. “You and Jaechan got into a fight, huh?”

“How did you know about that?” 

“He was complaining about you to us, probably looking for me and Hwanwoongie to join in on the Donghan bashing.” Insoo shrugs. “I’m trying to be less angry and Hwanwoong’s over it. Geonhee’s over it, so why should Hwanwoong tire himself out over you? Jaechan’s a really stubborn kid. He wasn’t always like that. He always needed someone else’s approval; I used to think he was a lap dog. Sangbin has been good for him. That hyung doesn’t care.” Insoo looks at Donghan. “Have you seen those two kiss?” 

“No.” 

“Good. It’s disgusting. They’re each other’s first loves, it’s horrifically adorable.” 

“So you know about what happened with Taedong?” 

“Yeah. Eunki was asking why Jaechan was so upset because Taedong’s a grown up, he doesn’t need Jaechan of all people to defend his honor.” Insoo flops back over on his back. “Jaechannie loves Taedong a lot, just not the way Taedong would want him to. He’ll get over it. Well, they’ll both get over it.” 

“You think so?” 

“I mean, you’re kind of a slut.” Donghan gets jolted out of whatever illusion he was under because of course Insoo isn’t that nice. “Taedong might realize he doesn’t like your wandering eyes and Jaechan will figure out that’s better for Taedong.” Insoo glances at him. “Or you’ll give Taedong a chance.” 

Donghan thinks about that. 

 

Taedong looks a bit quizzical when Donghan sits down on the side of his bed with a serious expression.

“Donghanie? Is everything okay?” 

“I’m sorry for what I said and did when you told me you loved me, and what I said and did when I was drunk.”

“I forgive you, I know I was too forward…” 

“But I’m not ready to love you yet.” Donghan interrupts. “And really, I don’t think you’re ready to love me yet either.

“You’re probably right,” Taedong concedes.

“But I’m willing, if you’re willing, to try.” Donghan smiles. “We can take things much more slowly than I usually do.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“I know what I’ve said about being unsure about my feelings. But I was in love with you before, and I was able to get over you once, so I’m willing to try again. We don’t have to rush anything. I don’t want to rush anything.” 

“What’s going to happen if this doesn’t work?” Taedong asks. 

“I fall in love a lot. I know I can keep falling in love. But I want to try to have something really real with you. What about you? I accused you of not really liking me.”

“You had a point. I sprung that confession on you.” Taedong cracks a smile. “I guess, I’m used to waiting, so I won’t mind it so much if I have to wait a little longer.” 

Donghan takes Taedong’s hand in his and squeezes it and Taedong squeezes it back and Donghan hopes just a little.


End file.
